


Let Me Be There

by Onceuponawritersdream



Category: Glee
Genre: Eating Disorders, F/F, Rape, Rape Recovery, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-05
Updated: 2015-05-07
Packaged: 2018-03-10 15:46:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 16
Words: 26,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3295931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Onceuponawritersdream/pseuds/Onceuponawritersdream
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shelby and Rachel are given a second chance at their relationship thanks to Rachel being dealt a cruel hand of fate one stormy day. Will Rachel allow Shelby back into her heart after it's been torn to shreds? Will Shelby be able to help her fix the broken pieces? Eventual Faberry love. Brittana/Berry friendship. *TW: ED & SH, Graphic Rape*</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Let Me Be There

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Glee. I only hold rights to the story and characters that I create.
> 
> TW: Flashback of graphic rape. It will be described in italics.
> 
> A/N: I'm not trying to offend anyone. I just write for myself.

Shelby opened her door to see a red rimmed, teary-eyed, dripping wet Rachel on her doorstep.

"Rachel? What on earth are you doing here?" She asked. She held the door open and pulled her daughter inside.

"I-I'm sorry, I didn't plan on coming here. I just ended up here." Rachel said. She was still in shock, after she ran from the school, she just kept walking until she ended up in front of her Birth Mother's house. She didn't even realize it was raining.

Shelby looked Rachel over and noticed her makeup was smudged, her sweater was ripped, her knee-high socks were down around her ankles, her skirt was backwards and above all Rachel did not seem like herself. "What happened? Are you alright?" She asked.

Rachel wrapped her arms around herself and broke down again. What was she supposed to say? 'I'm great Shelby, I've just been raped. How are you?' She couldn't believe this had happened. At a place that was supposed to be considered safe. School.

Shelby wrapped her arm around Rachel's shoulder and lead her further into the house. "Let's get you dry and warm so you can tell me what's going on." She said. Even though Shelby had walked out on Rachel once she didn't intend to walk away from her again. She hurried to the laundry room and pulled a warm towel out of the dryer and draped it over Rachel's shoulders before leading her into the living room to sit in front of the fire. Once Rachel was seated she went into the kitchen to make a pot of tea.

Rachel had checked out. She hadn't even noticed she had moved until Shelby was pushing a warm mug of liquid into her hands. "Thank you." She whispered. She stared into the tea, wishing she could immerse herself in it and never come back up. She jumped when she felt a hand on her shoulder.

Shelby dropped her hand. She hadn't meant to frighten her. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. I was asking you what happened." She said. She held Rachel's gaze and saw so much pain there. She wanted to take it away. "Rachel, please tell me. I know I wasn't there when you needed me and I know I walked away from you once before, but if you give me a chance I promise I won't hurt you again." She said.

Rachel sat silently, processing what Shelby had just said to her. She wanted so much to believe what she was hearing, but after the way Shelby had walked out on her before, she was scared to. "How do I know you won't leave me again?" She asked. She knew she was holding all the cards. She was in control.

Shelby wanted to be in her life and it was up to Rachel to let her.

"I know you can't trust me after I gave you away, found you and then walked away from you. I'm just asking for one more chance. Please, let me be there." Shelby begged. She held her breathe while she watched Rachel think about what she was asking.

Rachel tossed the decision back and forth in her mind, analyzing every scenario. Her Dads were hardly home. She needed a woman for this. She needed her Mother. "I'll give you another chance Shelby. Please, don't abuse it." She said.

"I won't hurt you Rachel. Not on purpose." Shelby promised. Her heart felt light. She was being given a chance to be the Mother she should have been when she found Rachel in the beginning. She was determined to make it up to her.

"Thank you." Rachel said. She took a sip of her room temperature tea and placed it on the coffee table. She clasped her hands together in her lap and stared into the dancing flames in front of her. She was checking out again.

* * *

_She was walking down the hall after Glee practice, running her fingers along the lockers, humming her solo. When her song came to an end that's when she heard footsteps behind her._

_"Hey Rachel." David called._

_Rachel paused and turned to face him. If she was going to be slushied she wanted to see it coming. She was surprised to say the least when she saw no slushy in his hand. "You're not going to slushy me?" She asked._

_"No, relax Berry." David said, running his hand down her arm._

_Rachel shied away from the contact and held her breathe when she smelled alcohol on his breathe. "David, have you been drinking? You could be facing some serious consequences if Figgins-"_

_David cut her off by placing a hand over her mouth. "You know what Berry? You talk too much!" He growled. He grabbed her by her shoulders and pushed her backwards into the bathroom and slammed her into the door. "If you promise not to scream I won't hurt you." He said. He removed his hand from Rachel's mouth._

_Rachel's heart started to race and she was scared. She couldn't think. She couldn't move. She didn't know what to do. As smart as she was she couldn't think of a way to get out of what she knew would happen next. "No! Please, no!" She cried. It was her last attempt before she went somewhere else._

_David ignored her pleas."You're wearing too many clothes." David said, ripping her sweater. He took his time touching her and removing her clothing, but when he got to her skirt he lost all control. He hurried to pull the skirt down and to unzip his pants. He smiled as he forced himself inside of her and she clenched in pain. "You're so tight. You feel so amazing." He said. He kept pushing inside of Rachel until he released. He pulled out and pulled up his pants. "If you tell anyone about this I will find a way to ruin the rest of your life." He said. He pushed her away from the door and ran out._

_Rachel stood in shock, feeling blood and his semen run down her legs. She slid to the floor and started to cry. She pulled herself together enough to get herself up and run out of the bathroom, down the hall and out of the school._

* * *

Shelby had watched Rachel in this trance like state for fifteen minutes and she was growing concerned. "Rachel!" She said. She placed her hand on Rachel's leg, but removed it when she flew to the other end of the couch, begging her not to hurt her again. "Rachel, honey. It's me, Shelby. What happened?" She asked quietly.

Rachel came out of her flashback to see Shelby looking at her with concern. She just wanted to run. She couldn't take anymore. "I was raped!' She shouted. She stood from the couch and ran out the front door, leaving it hanging open.


	2. Do You Trust Me?

Shelby sat frozen on the couch. Her daughter's words echoing in her head, "I was raped!". She looked up and noticed the door hanging open, swinging in the breeze. She finally stood up, pulled on a jacket and went after Rachel. When she got outside she saw no sign of her and she didn't know where to begin to look. She hopped into her SUV and began driving around the neighborhood, deciding if she didn't see Rachel she would drive to the Berry house.

Rachel pushed her key into the lock and ran into the house. She closed the door behind her and pressed herself up against it for a minute. She was silently berating herself. 'Why did you go to Shelby of all people? The woman who didn't want you?! Stupid, stupid, stupid!'. Rachel ran upstairs to her room and into her bathroom before she started stripping off her clothing. She turned the shower on. She couldn't bear to look at herself, but she did anyway. Bruises were already forming, from when he grabbed her shoulders and pushed her into the bathroom, when he used his knee to pry her legs apart, and on her back when he slammed her against the door. There was still blood and his fluids that the rain hadn't washed off on her thighs. She gasped when she saw herself and started to cry. She sunk to the floor and pulled her knees up to her chest and began sobbing. She felt so broken. "What did I do to deserve this?" She asked herself.

Shelby pulled into Rachel's driveway and prayed that Rachel had made it home in the storm. She jumped out of her car and ran to the front door and rang the bell. "Rachel! Rachel! Open the door sweetie!" She said, pounding on the door. It was a longshot, but she decided to try the handle and thanked God when it was unlocked. She went in and started calling for Rachel again. "Rachel? Are you here?" She asked, climbing the stairs. She spotted the door with the star on it and knocked before going inside. "Rachel?" She called again. She heard running water in the adjoining bathroom and frowned. Shelby couldn't blame her for wanting to shower. She didn't know much, but she knew the police preferred if you didn't shower. She lightly knocked on the bathroom door, "Honey? I'm gonna come in, ok?" She said before opening the bathroom door. Steam hit her in the face and when it cleared she found Rachel huddled in the corner with her knees pulled up to her chest and her arms wrapped around herself. She went to the shower and turned the water off. She grabbed a towel, bent down in front of Rachel and draped the towel over her. She sighed in relief when she noticed the girl's hair was dry. She hadn't showered. "Rachel? C'mon sweetie." She said, standing and pulling Rachel up with her.

Rachel didn't even notice Shelby's presence until she was being pulled off of her bathroom floor. "Shelby? What are you doing here?" She asked. She used the towel around her shoulder to wipe her face. "Please, don't look at me." She begged. She clutched the towel, trying to cover herself up. It was too late, Shelby had seen the bruises and had tears forming in her eyes. "Please forget you saw me like this." Rachel asked, her voice breaking from the tears she was trying to hold back.

Shelby shook her head. "Do you remember coming to my house?" She asked. Rachel nodded. "Do you remember what we talked about?" She asked. Rachel nodded again. "Do you remember what you told me before you left?" She asked. Rachel bit her lip and hung her head. "I wanna help you honey. I need you to trust me. I'm not going to hurt you." She said. She lead Rachel into her bedroom and sat her down on the bed. "We need to go to the hospital." She said. Shelby searched around Rachel's room for clothes. She found a matching set of pink sweats and a hoodie. She bit the inside of her cheek trying to keep herself from crying. She failed her baby. She felt like she let this happen to her. She guided Rachel's legs into the pants and helped her stand so she could pull them up. Tears were streaming down her face as she helped Rachel into her hoodie. Rachel's silence was beginning to scare her. She desperately wanted to know what was going through her daughter's mind.

Rachel just went silent. When she realized they were headed downstairs she froze. "I don't want to go to the hospital!" She said. She sat on the steps and crossed her arms.

"Rachel, I won't force you to go, but I will tell you that I really think you need to." Shelby said. She sat down next to Rachel and pulled her into her arms. "Please? You need to get checked out." She said.

Rachel shook her head. "He said if I told anyone he was going to ruin my life. I don't want to discover what that could mean." She  mumbled.

"I won't let him hurt you." Shelby said. She never stopped loving her baby girl. The fierce protectiveness that only comes from being a Mother was burning in her veins. "Who did this?" She asked.

"I'm sorry, I can't tell you." Rachel said. She wanted to. She really did, but most importantly she wanted to forget today ever happened.

"Rachel, where are your fathers?" Shelby asked. She just realized they had been there for quite some time and no one had come through the door.

"They aren't here. They're hardly ever here." Rachel said with a scoff. She found it strange how comfortable she felt with her Birth Mother. She was glad Shelby was there and didn't regret turning up at her door. "Thank you for being here." She said.

"I'm not leaving again. I will always be here." Shelby said. She sat quietly holding her daughter thinking how she could get her to trust her. If she was incredibly honest she didn't feel right leaving her in a big house by herself. "Rachel, do you trust me?" She asked.

Rachel pulled away. Preparing herself for whatever was coming next. Preparing herself to be hurt. In spite of the walls she was building up she was curious about why Shelby asked her that. "Why?" She asked.

"I want you to come stay with me until your fathers come back." Shelby said.

Rachel stared at Shelby with an open mouth. "Are you serious?"

"Yes, I don't want you to be alone right now." Shelby said. She was more than a little upset at the fact that her daughter's fathers were hardly home. Did they just expect her to raise herself? She wanted to do this. She wanted to be Rachel's Mother.

"I'd like that." Rachel said. She was surprised at how much she wanted to be with the older version of herself. "I'll go pack some stuff." She said. She went back upstairs and opened a suitcase and started throwing clothes into it and placed her laptop on top before zipping it up. Then she went into her bathroom and packed her toiletry bag. Even though it was under awful circumstances she was excited to be spending quality time with her Mother. Even if it was because something awful happened to her


	3. The First Cut

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Descriptive self-harm. Poem about self-harm.

_"Blade so sharp it cuts my skin like butter,_

_I watch the blood drip drip drip from the wound,_

_It makes me feel better,_

_When I cut its like everything goes away,_

_It still hurts at the end of the day,_

_Cuts so deep,_

_Deep to the bone,_

_One day I'll cut until I can't answer the phone,_

_I'll watch as my life drains away,_

_And I'll smile cause it feels ok. "_

* * *

Shelby kept glancing at Rachel in the car. She didn't know what to say to her. What does a Mother say to her child who has just been raped? There's no physical wound she can put a band aid on and kiss better. She felt useless. She didn't want to say the wrong thing so she decided to keep quiet. She would let Rachel come to her. "How long are your Dads usually gone?" She asked. She wanted to know how much time she would have with her before she had to give her back. Fate gave her a second chance and she was going to take it.

"Sometimes they are gone for months before they call telling me they will be home the next day. I really can't say." Rachel answered quietly. She was relieved her Mother wasn't bringing up the hospital again. She didn't think she would be able to handle it. Would they think it was her fault? Would they think she deserved it? She certainly was blaming herself. She knew she would break if they blamed her too. She just wanted to put it all behind her. She didn't want to give him a chance to take anything else away from her.

"You can stay with me as long as you want Ray, even when they come back." Shelby said. She wanted to try convincing Rachel to go to the hospital again, but she didn't want to force her daughter to go. She was thinking maybe she should call someone. Someone who specializes in this situation, but she didn't want to ambush Rachel.

"Thank you Shelby." Rachel said. When they pulled into the driveway Rachel got her suitcases from the backseat and headed for the door without another word. She just wanted to shower. She felt so dirty. She wanted to scrub herself until her skin burned. She felt like she was dying on the inside. 'Why me?' She kept asking herself as she followed Shelby to what would now be her room.

Shelby gave Rachel a tour of the two-story house and told her to make herself at home. She really wanted to hold Rachel tight but she held back and gave her daughter space. Once she showed her where the towels were and Rachel locked herself in the bathroom, she headed for the wine cabinet. She felt like this was just the beginning of several long nights. She told herself to have one glass of wine and then she would check on Rachel. She poured herself a large glass of White Zinfandel and sighed.

The minute Rachel was alone in her bathroom, safely locked behind the door. She unzipped her toiletry bag and began putting everything in its proper place. When she came to the shavers she stared at them, wishing she could slit her wrists - then she called herself crazy and put them in the shower. Once everything was put away she turned the shower on to steaming hot and stripped off her clothes. She stepped into the hot spray and stood underneath it for a minute before all the anguish she had held inside bubbled up and she became a heap on the bottom of the tub. She cried and cried. It felt like she would never stop. She picked up a razor and began shaving her legs, trying to distract herself from the awful memories. As she got lost in the memory she nicked herself and it brought her back to the present. "Ouch." She said. She watched as the tiny cut bled and washed away down the drain. For that tiny moment, when she cut herself - she wasn't thinking about what David Karofsky had done to her. She didn't want to lose that feeling. She was desperate to keep the memory away. She wasn't stupid, she knew how dangerous cutting was, but it seemed like it was all she had. She held out her left arm and pressed the razor to her skin and slowly drug it across. The sting as it cut into her felt amazing. Blood started to bubble up and she watched it wash away. She repeated the action four more times before deciding it was enough. For now. She spent the rest of her shower scrubbing every inch of herself, especially the places he had touched.

Shelby had just finished her glass of wine and washed it and put it away when she realized she hadn't heard a sound upstairs in the last hour. She tossed the drying rag onto the counter and dashed up the stairs two at a time. When she got to Rachel's room and discovered she was still in the bathroom, she grew concerned. She felt guilty for leaving her alone. She knocked on the door. "Rachel? Honey? Are you alright?" She asked. She tried the handle and frowned when she found it still locked. It was a literal way of being shut out. "Sweetie, please unlock the door." She pleaded.

Rachel was in a trance, staring at the cuts she had made. When she heard her Mother at the door she startled. "Fuck!" She said under her breath. She would have to come out eventually. She didn't want her Mom to see the cuts. She turned off the shower head and got out, wrapping a towel around herself. She unlocked the door and stepped into the bedroom, with her hair still dripping wet. "Sorry." She mumbled watching her feet as she walked towards the bed.

Shelby grabbed another towel and started drying her daughter's hair. "You don't have to be sorry sweetheart. I just wish you would talk to me. I know you have so much to say." She said.

"I'm just not ready to say it yet." Rachel said. She held the towel to herself with both hands, effectively keeping her self-injury hidden.

"When you are ready, I will listen." Shelby promised. She kissed Rachel on the head and left her alone to get ready for bed.

Rachel pulled on her pjs and slipped under the covers. She felt like she could sleep for a thousand years. Even though she knew it wasn't a possibility, she prayed she would wake up and what happened would be a nightmare. She fell asleep after running her fingers over the cuts on her arm. The added reminders besides the ache between her legs that it was real.

Shelby was nearly asleep when she heard screams coming from across the hall. Rachel's room. She kicked the covers off, stumbled in the dark before finding her doorknob and pushing her daughter's door open. She sat on the edge of the bed and that's when she heard exactly what Rachel had been saying. "NO! PLEASE! NO! I DON'T WANT THIS!" Rachel screamed in her sleep. Shelby reached out and stroked her cheek, "Ray? Wake up. It's a nightmare." She said. Rachel continued to thrash around. Shelby shook her shoulder. "Rachel wake up!" She said louder. Rachel sat up with a gasp and backed away from her Mother until she reached the headboard. "It was a nightmare sweetie. You're safe. He's not here." She said.

Rachel nodded and pulled her knees up to her chest. "I'm sorry I woke you" She said. She started crying and rocking herself. This was her problem. She had to handle it by herself. She wanted to cut herself again to keep the memories away. But she couldn't do it while her Mother was sitting in her bedroom. They were in her dreams now too. She couldn't escape them! Would it ever be over?

"Ray, you don't have to be sorry." Shelby said moving to sit beside Rachel. She held out her arms and smiled when Rachel fell into them. "I could stay in here with you, if you want." She said.

"I'd like that very much." Rachel said. She snuggled down into the covers again and sighed. She started thinking about how much of a joke her life seemed to be. At first Shelby made contact with her, then the woman decided Rachel wasn't what she wanted and threw her away like rotten meat, now because of this pile of shit that fell on her she wanted to be there. It took something this horrible for her to want to be her Mother again. It was starting to piss her off and she wanted to cut because of it. She sighed and tried to fall asleep as her Mother rubbed circles on her back.

The next morning Shelby woke up and was surprised to find Rachel downstairs ready for school. "I could call in. You don't have to go today." She said.

"I know...thank you - but, I don't want to hide out at home." Rachel said. She wasn't dressed in her usual argyle sweater, short skirt, knee-high socks and Mary Janes. No, today she wore a hoodie, skinny jeans and sneakers. For the first time in all of her sixteen years she wanted to blend in.

Shelby nodded in understanding. "If anytime during the day, you feel like you've had enough just call me and I'll come get you." She said. She would do anything for Rachel. Anything at all to never see the pain that lived in her eyes now.

After Shelby dropped her off at school, with the reminder that she didn't have to go - Rachel sped to her locker. She avoided to get slushied first thing this morning and was grateful. She kept her mouth shut in class. She skipped lunch. The whole day even in Glee club she kept her head down and avoided making herself stick out like a sore thumb. She wanted to be invisible. She may not have noticed, but while she was trying so hard to become invisible she was sticking out even more to a certain someone.

Quinn Fabray had noticed there was something different about Rachel the second she walked through the doors that morning. The way she was dressed, the way she avoided speaking in class, the way she didn't eat lunch today. She especially noticed the way she was not making any suggestions in Glee club today and honestly all these changes Rachel was making were beginning to get under her skin. She wouldn't admit it to herself and she definitely wouldn't admit it to anyone else, but she noticed everything about Rachel Berry. She decided to keep an eye on Rachel and if she didn't change back soon, she was going to make it her business to find out what was wrong with her.


	4. Being Quiet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: ED behaviors described & SH actions.

Rachel walked out of the room where Glee club was held and released a breathe. All day long while she was trying to make herself invisible she had been screaming inside. Maybe she should have listened to her Mother and took the day off. She quickly made her way to her locker, opened it and started shoving the books she would need into her bag. In her rush she didn't notice Quinn leaning against the locker next to hers and when she closed it she jumped seeing her there. "Quinn" She gasped.

Quinn hadn't really thought about it when she followed after Rachel when she nearly ran out of the room. Now that she was standing there face to face with the brunette she didn't know what to say. She smoothed her hands over her Cheerios uniform before awkwardly mumbling, "Hi Rachel." She mentally face palmed herself. 'Hi Rachel.'? Geez what was she? A girl with a crush?! Yes, that's exactly what she was! But no one knew that. Not even her best friends Santana and Brittany.

Rachel stood staring open-mouthed at Quinn. They had silently come to an agreement not to speak to each other. After the whole fake pregnancy, Finn cheating on Quinn with Rachel then cheating on Rachel with Quinn. They both knew they didn't want him and banded together to dump his sorry ass in front of Glee club to the song "Kissed a girl" by Katy Perry. So, for Quinn to be standing near her without a glare plastered on her face, it was surprising. "Hi?" She said questioningly.

Quinn had grown feelings for Rachel during the performance of "Kissed a girl." It took her even longer to realize the feelings had always been there and she had just been masking them. "How are you doing?" She asked.

Rachel looked at the tile on the floor. 'I'm a damn hot mess. How are you?' She thought. "I'm great! How are you?" She asked. This whole thing was starting to get really uncomfortable. She wondered if Quinn was trying to mess with her. Maybe she had done something to the queen bee without even realizing it.

"Are you sure? You just seem, um, quieter today." Quinn said. She didn't want Rachel to catch on to the fact she liked her. Not yet.

"Yeah. I'm sure. I have to go. See you around Quinn." Rachel said. She slung her bag over her shoulder and nearly sprinted out of school. She just wanted to make it home, cut herself and go to sleep.

Quinn frowned as she watched her go. She saw through the lie Rachel told and she was even more curious to find out what she was trying to hide.

Rachel made it back to Shelby's house in record time. "I'm home!" She called. She meant it. It felt like home to her.

Shelby stepped out of the kitchen with a smile on her face. "How was your day?" She asked. She had been in the kitchen preparing dinner. It hadn't gone unnoticed that Rachel hadn't eaten since she had been there.

"I survived. If it's ok with you I think I'd like to stay out the rest of the week." Rachel said with a sigh. Her stomach growled and twisted painfully. She hadn't eaten since breakfast yesterday morning. To say she was hungry was an understatement. She started thinking that if she had been skinny and prettier like Quinn she wouldn't have been raped. That thought kept eating away at her.

"That's fine. I'll call it in first thing in the morning. I made dinner, are you hungry?" Shelby said. She made a vegetarian lasagna in the hopes that Rachel would eat it.

Rachel wanted to say no, but the bigger part of herself was starving. "It smells good. Yeah, I could eat a little." She set the table while her Mother set the finishing touches and placed the dish on the table. She felt so many emotions rush through her when she realized her Mother had gone out of her way to make something she would eat. "Thank you, this looks amazing." She said. She served herself a couple of scoops and dug in.

Shelby watched her eat and smiled at the sight. She was thinking maybe things would start to be good between them. "I did some research today. They have rape counseling. Would you want to go to a few sessions?" She said between bites of food.

Rachel dropped her fork. There's no way she was going to talk to a stranger about what happened! She didn't want to talk about it ever again! She pushed away from the table and ran upstairs, slamming her bedroom door behind her.

Shelby frowned and dropped her napkin into her plate. "Well, that went well!" She said out loud.

Rachel was upstairs pacing back and forth. She felt like she was in a panic. She was feeling too full from her dinner. She dashed into her bathroom and without thinking she bent over her toilet and shoved her finger down her throat, causing her food to come up. Relief instantly flooded her entire body. She hadn't eaten much, but she was glad to be rid of it. She didn't want to be fat anyway. After all the food was gone, she rinsed out her mouth and brushed her teeth. She had heard girls doing this in the bathroom at school all the time. They weren't fat. Soon she would be like them. She was determined to never let what happened happen to her ever again. The memories were starting to creep in and she knew exactly how to get rid of them. She looked at the cuts from last night and saw they wouldn't scar. She needed more. She looked around the bathroom for something sharper and her eyes landed on the candle holder. She would have to break it. She didn't care she just wanted the pain it would bring. She grabbed the candle holder, removed the candle and smashed it on the floor. She picked up a large piece of glass, ripped off her hoodie and started cutting into her arm. She watched as her skin ripped open, showing white underneath before blood bubbled up and spilled out of the cuts. She now had fifteen cuts on her arm. She rinsed off her arm and wrapped gauze around her arm, taping it in place. She put her hoodie back on and cleaned up after herself before leaving the safety of her bathroom.

Shelby heard a crash and then silence. She waited fifteen minutes before going to check on her. She knocked on the door and pushed it open to find Rachel at the head of the bed with her knees pulled up to her chest staring into space. It killed her inside seeing her daughter like this. "Are you ok? I heard a crash." She said sitting beside Rachel.

"I broke one of the candle holders. I'm sorry." Rachel said with a voice thick with unshed tears.

"It's ok. It was an accident. Listen, honey I didn't mean to ambush you about the counseling. It was just a suggestion. I'm not forcing you to do anything." Shelby said. She had spent a lot of time researching how to handle rape victims while Rachel was at school. It was important to make Rachel feel like she wasn't being forced and having choices taken away from her.

Rachel nodded. "I know you were trying to help. I'm sorry I blew up like that."

"I understand. I just wish you would talk to me. If you don't talk to someone it's going to eat you alive." Shelby said. She wanted to reinforce that she was here and she wasn't leaving.

"I just can't. I don't know if I'll ever be able to." Rachel said. She leaned over and rested her head on her Mother's shoulder.

"I'm here baby." Shelby said softly.

Rachel broke down and started to cry. She cried because her Mother was being so loving, because she didn't understand why it took something like this to bring them together. Deep down she knew her Mother was right. Eventually she'd be eaten alive by this secret. She secretly hoped someone would step in and save her before it did. She no longer cared to save herself.


	5. Cracking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Who do you want to find out about Rachel's cutting? Shelby or Quinn? In this chapter we're going to explore what lead to David raping Rachel. I'm in no way excusing what he did, I'm just showing what lead up to it happening. It'll be a flashback in italics.
> 
> TW: Threats of violence. Intimidation. Bullying. Graphic rape.

_Two days ago..._

_" You know what Karofsky?! You're one to talk about who's gay, considering I've never seen you with a girl!" Finn shouted. It struck a chord within David. He pulled his fist back and punched Finn in the face. "Shut the fuck up Hudson! I get girls all the time!" David said. He snatched up his gym bag and stormed out of the locker room. He ran off to the fields and hid out under the bleachers. He pulled out a flask of Jack Daniels and started to drink. After the first few drinks he sighed. It was too close. He was almost outed by Finn Hudson. He hated him! After finishing his flask he decided to head home. He was stumbling through the halls when he spotted Rachel Berry humming. He got an idea, he'd get Rachel to go out with him to prove to the guys that he wasn't gay and end their questioning. He walked behind her slowly for a few minutes before calling out to her._

_"Hey Rachel." He called._

_Rachel whipped around at the sound of her name. "You're not going to slushy me?" She asked._

_David moved closer to her."No, relax Berry." He said, running his hand down her arm._

_Rachel shied away from the contact, "David, have you been drinking? You could be facing some serious consequences if Figgins-"_

_What happened next he didn't plan, but, David cut her off by placing a hand over her mouth. He was so full of anger. "You know what Berry? You talk too much!" He growled. He grabbed her by her shoulders and pushed her backwards into the bathroom and slammed her into the door. "If you promise not to scream I won't hurt you." He said. He removed his hand from Rachel's mouth._

_"No! Please, no!" She cried._

_David ignored her pleas. He had to prove he wasn't gay. "You're wearing too many clothes." He said, ripping her sweater. He took his time touching her and removing her clothing, but when he got to her skirt he lost all control. He hurried to pull the skirt down and to unzip his pants. He smiled as he forced himself inside of her and she clenched in pain. "You're so tight. You feel so amazing." He said. He kept pushing inside of Rachel until he released. He pulled out and pulled up his pants. "If you tell anyone about this I will find a way to ruin the rest of your life." He said. He pushed her away from the door and ran out. He kept running. He felt so guilty for what he had just done. What had he proven to himself? That he's a monster? That he's more twisted than he thought he was?_

* * *

**Present Day**

David's guilt had only multiplied. He had tried drinking away what he had done to Rachel only two days ago and the only result was a never-ending hangover. One of his teammates waved their hand in his face.

"Hey Karofsky what're you thinking about?"

"I was just... about something." David said.

"Thinking about what? Please don't say something gay!"

"I'm not gay! I had sex with Rachel Berry two days ago!" David shouted before he could stop himself.

"No way bro! I think she was McKinley's last virgin! How was it?" His teammate cheered offering him a high-five.

David accepted the high-five and plastered a smile on his face. Honestly he wanted to throw up and kill himself. What had he done? He convinced himself this was the right thing to do because no one would dare think he was gay now.

* * *

Rachel was walking head down, arms wrapped around herself, when she felt herself flying into a row of lockers.

"SLUT!" The girl who pushed her shouted before marching down the hall.

Rachel was confused. She didn't understand. She had been called a lot of names but she'd never been called a 'SLUT' before. She knew she would be cutting herself when she got home, based on that alone. She pulled herself up and ran into the nearest bathroom, locking herself in a stall before she broke down. She had a hand over her mouth to keep sobs from escaping and sat on top of the toilet so her feet wouldn't be seen. She was drying her eyes when she heard a group of girls walk into the bathroom.

"They totally did it! I was surprised I so would have thought she had given it up to Finn a longtime ago!" One girl said.

"Well according to Santana Finn isn't that good at it anyways, but Rachel and David Karofsky?" Another girl said.

"Yeah, its weird right? You never see them together unless he's throwing a slushy in her face!" Another girl piped up.

Rachel heard everything. She was going to be sick! Not only had he taken her virginity but now he was ruining her reputation? Tears stung her eyes and started to slip down her cheeks. Her life had turned into complete and total hell! Rachel listened to the girls trash talk her some more before they left and she let herself out of the stall. She looked at herself in the mirror and saw there was nothing she loved about herself. She hated everything about herself now. She pulled her hood over her head and left the bathroom, looking at the ground as she made her way to her first period class before the bell rang.

Quinn was shocked when she heard about Rachel sleeping with Karofsky. How did they know each other?! Why was it such a secret? Rachel didn't care about hurting Finn's feelings when she was grinding on her during their break up performance. She refused to believe it until Rachel confirmed it herself. It didn't matter to her what was buzzing all over the halls until Rachel said it was true. She wouldn't let herself believe it because she knew Rachel wasn't that type of girl and if it was true it would break her heart.

Rachel was at her locker changing out her books when she felt someone hovering over her. She looked up, her heart started racing and she wanted to scream. She opened her mouth, but nothing came out.

"You look shocked to see me. You really think I'd stay away after what we shared together a couple of days ago?" David asked. He leaned against the lockers and whispered into Rachel's ear, "Remember what I told you. If you open that pretty mouth of yours I'll hurt you again." He pressed off the locker and walked away. "See you around Berry!" He called over his shoulder.

Rachel stood trembling with fear. She was so scared she peed herself.

Quinn had watched the exchange between Rachel and David. It didn't look like an encounter between two lovers. It looked like a predator and it's prey. Once Karofsky stalked off she walked over to Rachel and placed her hand on her shoulder. She dropped her hand when Rachel flinched. "Rachel? Are you ok?" She asked.

Rachel flinched when she felt a hand on her shoulder. She barely noticed it was Quinn asking her if she was ok. "I-I'm fine, I just should have stayed home. My Mom got me out for the rest of the week and I don't need to be here!" Rachel glanced at Quinn and took off down the hall and out of the school. She couldn't be there one more second. She ran all the way home. When she got there she slammed the door closed and ran straight up to her room. She didn't even notice her Mother sitting on the couch reading a book. She closed her bedroom door and headed straight for her bathroom, turning on the hot water spray and steaming up the bathroom. She stripped off her clothes, grabbed the piece of glass she had hidden and stepped into the shower. She placed the piece of glass in the soap dish and she curled herself up in the tub, knees pulled up to her chest and began rocking herself. She held in the tears and screams until her chest began to hurt. Then she opened her mouth and starting screaming and the tears started pouring, mixing with the hot water spraying over her body.

Shelby looked up in confusion when Rachel raced into the house. Her hello's died on her tongue when Rachel took off up the stairs. She moved to go after her, but the phone rang. "Hello?...This is she...Yes, she just came in Principal Figgins...Thank you." Principal Figgins had called to let Shelby know that Rachel skipped out of school and about a nasty rumor that was floating around. Shelby was thinking about what she would say when she heard screams coming from upstairs. She threw her phone onto the couch and ran upstairs and into Rachel's bedroom and swung the bathroom door open, "Rachel? Honey?" She called. She pulled the curtain back and her heart broke at the sight. Rachel was curled up rocking herself screaming and crying. Shelby turned the water off, yanked a towel off the rack and threw it over her daughter's shoulder. She helped Rachel out of the shower and grabbed another towel to dry her hair. "Baby what happened?" She asked concerned.

"I shouldn't have gone. It's so much worse!" Rachel said. She was barely aware her Mother was drying her hair and she hadn't had a chance to cut herself. She didn't care. "He told everyone! I got shoved into a locker and called a 'SLUT'." She said. Tears started falling like a waterfall.

"He told everyone he raped you?!" Shelby screeched angrily. She was going to find out who this asshole was and she was going to castrate him with her bare hands. She grabbed Rachel's pj's and helped her into them.

"No! He told everyone that we had sex!" Rachel cried. She slumped to the floor and wrapped herself up and began rocking. She couldn't take much more of this.

Shelby sat down beside her and wrapped her arms around her. "Ray? Tell me. You need to tell me. I need you to tell me." She had tears pooling in her eyes. She couldn't stand to see her baby suffer like this.

Rachel shook her head back and forth vigorously. "I CAN'T! I CAN'T!" She screamed.

Shelby didn't think it was physically possible, but she was sure she felt her heart-break into a million pieces. She felt hopeless.


	6. Sing For Me

Rachel tossed and turned. Sweat was soaking through her clothes to the sheets. Finally her eyes popped open, she sat up in bed and screamed at the top of her lungs. "NO! PLEASE! DON'T! STOP!" She searched her room frantically. 'It's just a dream Rachel, it was just a dream.' She tells herself. Except it wasn't a dream, it was a memory. The harsh reality of a night she prayed and cried to forget, but she couldn't escape it even in her sleep. She pulled her knees up to her chest and tried to calm herself down. She all but fell out of bed when the light turned on and someone called her name.

Shelby had been sleeping fitfully when she heard screams coming from across the hall. She was up in a flash, flicking on the light and calling out to her daughter. "Rachel?" She called. She frowned when Rachel nearly fell from the bed and curled into herself. "Baby? It's just me." She said soothingly. She climbed into the bed, but didn't try touching Rachel just yet.

Rachel acknowledged she recognized her Mother by leaning over and laying her head on her shoulder. She didn't speak. She didn't want to. She only wanted to hold onto the silence, if only for a while longer. She told herself if she kept quiet then no one else would have to suffer. She told herself if she didn't talk about it, then it would go away.

"Ray?" Shelby began. She waited for Rachel to look at her before she continued. "It hurts me to see you like this. In fact, it kills me. Everyday, I watch a piece of you crumble away and I don't know how to help you. I don't know what I'm doing. I love you so much Rachel. I know I have hurt you and you will never know how sorry I am. I'm afraid you're going to crumble into so many pieces that even if I manage to put you back together, that you'll be lost forever." She says while tears flow freely down her cheeks.

Rachel is caught off guard by her Mother's words. She wiped the few stray tears that manage to escape before she slams her walls up. She doesn't speak. She gently wipes away the tears that are still streaming down her Mother's face. She wants to tell her Mother she's fine. She wanted to tell her that everything would be "ok". She internally called herself a liar though, and didn't say anything.

* * *

Quinn shuffled from foot to foot nervously while she waited for Rachel by her locker. It had been four days since Rachel showed up to Glee Club. It had been four days of Rachel keeping her head down and avoiding everyone. Quinn was, at first, concerned by the diva's sudden change, and now she was fed up. She assumed whatever was going on with Rachel went hand in hand with the rumor buzzing the halls surrounding her and Karofsky. Today, Quinn Fabray vowed to get the truth out of her and get her talking. Even if she had to pull teeth. She noticed that sparkle that usually lived in Rachel's eyes had went out. She noticed Rachel no longer strutted through the halls brimming with self - confidence. She noticed the weight loss and the dark bags under the brunette's eyes. She noticed all of this while everyone else continued to either ignore Rachel or bully her. She was pulled from her thoughts when she watched Rachel approach. "Hey Rachel, can we talk?" She asked, holding out her hand. She smiled a dazzling smile and waited for Rachel to take her hand.

Rachel stared at the limb extended to her with an open mouth. Her eyes darted from the smile on Quinn's face to the hand hovering outstretched a few times before tentatively placing her hand in Quinn's. When their hands were joined, Rachel felt electricity sizzle through every molecule of her body. Her brown eyes met Quinn's green and she knew she felt it too. She tried to pull her hand back, but the blonde held on tighter. "Where are we going?" She asked breathlessly as Quinn led her through the halls.

Quinn realized Rachel would probably only talk if she was comfortable, so after not responding to the diva's question she headed for the auditorium. She pulled the door open and popped her head inside, looking to see it empty. She thanked God and pulled Rachel inside with her. She reluctantly released her hand when they reached the piano. She took a breath before she spoke. "What's going on with you Rachel? The past four days you haven't been yourself. You've been moping around here like someone stole something from you." She said. Even though it was subtle she caught it when Rachel cringed during her last sentence. She waited for Rachel to interrupt and when she didn't she kept talking. "You haven't been to Glee Club either. In class, you're checked out when you bother to stay awake. You're losing weight and I can tell you're not sleeping either. So, again, what's going on?" She sat on the piano, while Rachel stood paralyzed next to it and waited for her to speak.

"I-I'm fine." Rachel muttered weakly. Both of them knew that was a damn lie.

Quinn scoffed. "Don't lie to me Rachel. I see you. I see that you're carrying something heavy on your shoulders."

'How did she do that?' Rachel asked herself. "I'm sorry Quinn, but I can't tell you." She said, looking at the piano keys.

Quinn hopped off the piano and stepped close enough to Rachel that she could have kissed her. (Boy did she want to). "I miss your voice. Sing to me." She said softly.

Rachel almost laughed. She doesn't care about singing anymore. Yet she finds herself powerless to say no with the way Quinn is looking at her. She opens her mouth and one song comes out, saying everything she feels:

_"I'm in this fight and I'm swinging and my arms are getting tired I'm trying to beat this emptiness but I'm running out of time I'm sinking in the sand and I can't barely stand I'm lost in this dream, I need you to hold me I'm scared of lonely_

_I try to be patient but I'm hurting deep inside And I can't keep waiting, I need comfort late at night And I can't find my way, won't you lead me home? 'Cause I'm lost in this dream, I need you to hold me_

_I'm scared of lonely And I'm scared of being the only shadow I see along a wall And I'm scared of the only heart beat I hear beating is my own And I'm scared of being alone, I can't seem to breathe When I am lost in this dream, I need you to hold me I'm scared of lonely, I'm scared of lonely_

_I cry at night 'cause my baby's too far to be by my side To wipe away these tears of mine so I hold my pillow tight To imagine you I'll stretch your hand looking for mine 'Cause I'm lost in this dream, I need you to hold me_

_I'm scared of lonely And I'm scared of being the only shadow I see along a wall And I'm scared of the only heart beat I hear beating is my own I'm scared of being alone, I can't seem to breathe When I am lost in this dream, I need you to hold me_

_I need your break when nobody is around 'Cause I'm tired of this emptiness I think I'm drowning, I can't be lonely And I'm lost in this dream, I need you to hold me_  
_I'm scared of lonely And I'm scared of being the only shadow I see along a wall And I'm scared of the only heart beat I hear beating is my own And I'm scared of being alone, I can't seem to breathe When I am lost in this dream, I need you to hold me_

_I'm scared of lonely And I'm scared of be the only shadow I see along a wall And I'm scared of the only heart beat I hear beating is my own And I'm scared of being alone, I can't seem to breathe When I am lost in this dream, I need you to hold me I'm scared of lonely, I'm scared of lonely"_

When the last word comes out she's sobbing and she doesn't care that it's Quinn seeing her break like this. She wipes her eyes and clears her throat. " I don't know who I am anymore. You were right, something was stolen from me . It's the one thing I can never replace." She says eerily calm. She pushes herself to say the words out loud because she knows she might not be able to say them again. "My virginity." Her voice cracks as she answers Quinn's silent question of what was stolen. "I'm dirty, damaged and disgusting!" She shouts before turning away and running down the steps and out the auditorium door.

Quinn is stunned. She watches Rachel go and she can't get her legs to work to follow after her. The wheels start turning in her head. It doesn't take long for her to connect the dots. She feels her heart pound wildly against her rib cage. As she pictures the smug look that has been plastered on Karofsky's face all week, her vision turns red. She bolts out of the auditorium screaming "DAVID KAROFSKY!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beyoncé. "Scared of Lonely"


	7. The Wrath of Quinn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: ED behavior. Self - harm.

"KAROFSKY!" Quinn shouted, before using all of her strength and pushing the big brute into a row of lockers. She clutched the collar of his shirt in an iron grip. "Why'd you do it?! I should kill you!" She yelled into his face. She stepped away and kicked him in the balls over and over. As a matter of fact, she didn't stop until she felt arms around her waist and found herself being whirled around. "Get the hell off me San!" She yelled, digging her nails into Santana's arms.

"No." The Latina said, crossing her arms and firmly placing Quinn on her feet.

David was groaning in agony while some of his teammates tried to help him up.

Quinn paced angrily back and forth before she noticed Rachel standing in the corner crying hysterically. "Shit!" She cussed out loud. Before she could get to Rachel Coach Sylvester blocked her path and she did not look happy.

"Q, in my office. NOW!" Sue said through her megaphone.

Quinn glanced over her shoulder at Rachel and prayed she'd still be there after she got her ass ripped.

Coach Sylvester propped her feet up on her desk and folded her hands into her lap. "You want to explain to me why the football team is scraping David Karofsky off the floor?" She asked.

The seriousness of Quinn's actions began to set in. She could be expelled! She swallowed thickly, "Coach, I can explain..." She said before stopping herself. She couldn't break what little trust Rachel placed in her.

Sue raised her brow expecting her star cheerio to continue. "You said you could explain...?" She said impatiently.

Quinn scrambled her brain, trying to think of a lie. "I'm really hormonal, PMS. Karofsky was going to slushy me and I just lost it. I'm sorry. " She blurted out. She mentally slapped herself for letting that be the best she could come up with.

Sue knew she was lying, but she didn't call her on it. She wrote a pass and told her to go home.

Quinn wasted no time in running through the halls looking for Rachel. She was right where she left her. She crouched down in front of her and placed her hand on her knee. "Rachel, I'm sorry." She said. It was the most sincere apology she had ever delivered in her life.

Rachel couldn't breathe. She was trembling in fear. When she saw Quinn attack Karofsky, it was like a slow motion scene in a movie. She thought for sure her secret would be exposed. Her only relief was Quinn didn't blurt it out. Now Quinn was back and she wanted to jump into her arms. Hide herself in the blondes embrace. At the same time, she wanted to push her away and tell her to fuck off! "Stay away from me!" She cried, pushing herself off the floor and running out of school. She didn't stop running until she got home. She ran up to her bedroom, closing and locking the door behind her. She started ripping her clothes from her body and stood in front of the mirror, gripping the sink as she stared at herself. The longer she looked at herself, the more she hated herself. She couldn't stand her reflection anymore. She picked up her hair dryer and smashed the mirror with it, until her reflection was as distorted as she felt.

She threw the hair dryer to the ground, wrapped her arms around herself and started crying. She just wanted it to be over. She forced herself to throw up the small amount of contents in her stomach afterwards she felt calm enough to take a shower. She searched every drawer in her room until she found something to cut with, a box cutter. She ran her finger along the blade and hissed when the blade cut her finger. She couldn't wait to try it out on her skin! She hopped into the shower and stood under the hot spray, rinsing herself off. She clasped the box cutter and sighed. She looked down at the healing cuts on her arms, gingerly touching them with her free hand. "What are you waiting for? You know you deserve it." She told herself out loud. She pressed the blade against the bruised skin of her thigh and watched as it parted with ease and began to bleed. She was fascinated. She kept slicing herself over and over until she got dizzy and fell into a heap on the shower floor.

Quinn entered the auditorium of Carmel High with extreme caution. They'd spied on Vocal Adrenaline before and got caught. She wasn't there to spy. She was on a mission. Luckily the auditorium was empty. She found her way to the office of the woman she was looking for, Shelby Corcoran. She bit her lip and hesitantly knocked on the door. "Ms. Corcoran?" She said, waiting for the woman to notice her.

Shelby was going through paperwork when she heard someone call her name. She rolled her eyes and was about to verbally tear the student apart when she saw a young blonde in a McKinley High cheerleading uniform. "Yes..." She answered.

Quinn sighed and smoothed her hands over her cheerleading uniform. "My name is Quinn Fabray. I go to school with Rachel. I'm worried about her..." She said as she began to recount the days events to Rachel's Mother. "...Then she told me to stay away from her and ran away." She finished.

"Thank you for coming to talk to me." Shelby said. She shut down her computer and started gathering her things. "I'm going to go home, hopefully she's there. Please respect her wishes and don't tell anyone." She says guiding Quinn out of her office. Once she was in her car she didn't drive slower than sixty mph until she pulled into the driveway with screeching tires. She burst through the front door calling for her daughter. "Rachel! Rachel!" She ran up the stairs and rapped on the door before trying the handle and finding it locked. She went from worry to panic when she pressed her ear to the door and heard nothing. She pounded on the door, "Rachel?!" She started to freak out when Rachel still didn't answer. She braced herself against the door and kicked the door open. She was relieved not to see Rachel passed out of the bed. Her relief was short-lived when she saw all the drawers open and heard the shower running.

She ran into the bathroom and saw the mirror destroyed. "Rachel?" She croaked out. She yanked the shower curtain back and her heart stopped at the sight.

Rachel was shivering and bleeding on the shower floor.

Shelby turned the water off, grabbed a towel and lifted Rachel out of the tub and into her lap. She tapped Rachel's cheeks lightly to rouse her. "Wake up baby. C'mon look at me." She pleaded.

Rachel's eyes fluttered open and closed.

Shelby looked over Rachel's body seeing her scarred arm and the open, slightly bleeding gashes on her thigh and started sobbing. "Ray, you have to stay awake." She pressed her index and middle finger to Rachel's pulse point and thanked God when she felt a slow, but steady beat. She reached into her back pocket, pulled out her phone and dialed 911. She held Rachel close, not caring she was getting soaked - until the EMT arrived. For the next few hours she was in a haze. She was finally able to see Rachel after she woke up. She grabbed her daughter's hand and kissed it. "Don't ever do that to me again!" She said as tears slid down her face.

Rachel blinked back tears of her own and nodded.

"You scared me half to death! Do you know what I would have done if I had lost you? I've already lost you once I wouldn't live if you died." Shelby said.

Rachel's lip quivered. "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! Please don't leave me!" She begged.

"Hey, shh. Calm down. I'm not going anywhere. What do I have to do to get you to believe that?" Shelby said soothingly. She stroked Rachel's head and wiped the tears away. "I know you're not ready, but you need to talk about it. It's destroying you. I'm not forcing you, I'm asking you. Baby, please let me in." She said. She looked into Rachel's eyes and saw so many emotions dance behind them. Pain, anger and fear to name a few. She wanted to absorb it all.

"I-I'm sorry Shelby. I can't! I just can't!" Rachel cried. She was afraid that if anyone knew the details of what David had done, especially her Mother, that no one would want her. She wouldn't voice it out loud for fear of it being the truth. Her thoughts were interrupted and her world tilted on its axis by her Mother's single question.

"Rachel, who is David Karofsky?" Quinn had already told Shelby he was the one who raped her daughter. She still had to ask. Based on Rachel's reaction he was the one. She was determined to make him pay one way or another.


	8. Not While I'm Around

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Shelby & Rachel centric chapter.  
> TW: Self - harm. ED behaviors mentioned.

After being released from a seventy-two hour hold in the psych ward, Rachel was more than happy to be going home. She had told the Doctor and her Mother that she didn't belong there. She had told them repeatedly that she wasn't trying to kill herself but they wouldn't listen. She had begged and pleaded, but they simply ignored her. So, for three days she was watched as she ate, showered and used the bathroom. It was hell to her. As soon as Shelby shut the engine of the car off, she was out of the car and into the house. She closed the door to her room and let herself flop back onto her bed. It was only two minutes later when Shelby pushed the door open and stepped into the room.

"Rachel...I'm not very comfortable with you spending too much time alone right now." Shelby said softly. Finding her daughter bleeding to death in the shower was haunting her. She couldn't stop thinking about what the Doctor had told her. The Doctor had told her that until Rachel started talking she would be a walking time bomb and at this rate it would only be a matter of time before she tried killing herself. She was going to take preventative action. Starting now. Without another word, she began pulling open drawers in the bedroom and finding blades hidden in between pieces of paper, taped to objects. She started tossing them in a bag.

Rachel's eyes grew comically wide in surprise and then narrowed in anger. "What the hell are you doing?!" She jumped off the bed and placed her hands on her hips.

Shelby sighed, but she didn't stop her current task. "I'm not going to live in denial and tell myself it was a time thing finding you bleeding to death in the shower. You won't talk and if I can keep you from hurting yourself until you do, then that's what I'm going to do."

"I DIDN'T FUCKING ASK YOU TO SAVE ME!" Rachel shrieked. The more hiding places for blades her Mother discovered the angrier she became. She felt her control being ripped away from her and it made her want to cut even more. She wasn't trying to kill herself that day, but she hadn't necessarily cared if she had died either.

"I'm your Mother, Rachel! I will save you whether you want to be saved or not!" Shelby said. She could see it, looking in Rachel's eyes, she knew. Her daughter wouldn't have cared if she had died. It cut her like a knife. "Please, baby give me a chance. Let me help you." She begged. Tears started to fall on their own accord.

Rachel had all these thoughts swimming around in her head. She felt all the feelings of resentment, anger and bitterness she had towards her Mother rise up to the surface. She preferred to deal with those instead. "Oh, I get it, now you're my Mother?! What is this all about Shelby? Why the fuck do you care so much? Do you feel guilty? Is that why you're still here? You didn't care before when you made me find out who you were and then you just walked away from me like I was a stranger! I fucking needed you then and you just walked away! How could you do that?! How could you just go?!" Rachel said while hot tears of anger streamed down her face.

Shelby had tears of her own flowing down her face. She knew it was a matter of time before it came out. She knew she hadn't been forgiven. "Rachel, baby, I know I keep saying it and I will continue to say it until you believe me. Baby, I'm sorry. I know I hurt you and no apology in the world can make up for that, but can't you give me a chance to be the Mother that you need now?" She asked, stepping closer to Rachel and wrapping her arms around her.

Rachel fought in her Mother's arms, desperately trying to break free. "No! You broke me! I-I hate you!" She cried.

Shelby just held on tighter. " Give me a chance to be your Mother. I know I'm the one who broke your heart, I didn't mean to. I know I did the unforgivable. Let me be the one to mend it. Please." She begged, kissing Rachel's forehead and cheek.

Rachel grabbed a fistful of her Mother's shirt and wailed. She didn't protest when she felt herself being picked up and placed on the bed.

For several minutes, maybe an hour - they said nothing. They just laid together, held onto each other and cried.

Rachel sighed and cleared her throat before speaking. "I want to forgive you. I want to have a real Mother/Daughter relationship with you, but I am scared. Because of our past, I'm going to wonder when you're going to leave me again for a while."

"I understand and I deserve it, but I will spend every minute that we're together of everyday proving to you that I'm here to stay." Shelby said, squeezing Rachel once more before getting up. She started looking for blades again. Every one she found was a reminder how much Rachel hated herself and it terrified her.

Rachel watched in silence as her Mother confiscated all the blades from her bedroom and her bathroom. When her Mother asked if she had anymore she lied and told her what she had found was all she had. There was no way in hell she would tell her Mother about the blade hidden in her phone cover. She had plans to use it as soon as Shelby went to bed.

* * *

"Rachel?" Shelby asked. She was sitting across from her daughter at the dinner table. She was halfway finished and she noticed Rachel hadn't eaten a thing. She was certain her daughter wasn't mentally in the same room. She placed her hand on top of her daughter's and frowned. Rachel's hands were like ice. "What are you thinking about?" She asked.

"Huh? Oh...uh nothing..." Rachel mumbled. She pushed her food around the plate and pulled her knees up into her chest. She was starting to withdraw into herself again. She wanted to run up the stairs and hide in her room, but she knew Shelby would follow her. She was trying to be "normal". Whatever that was. She was starting to detach from who her old self was. She felt like a stranger in her own skin. She didn't care about her singing. Food had lost its appeal. She didn't care about her grades. That one moment had changed her forever.

Shelby sighed. She wasn't going to force Rachel to talk about what happened. She knew how damaging that would be, but she was going to force her to eat. It had been ten days and she had hardly eaten a thing. She would be damned if she was just going to sit there and watch her daughter waste away. "Rachel, you need to eat." She said firmly.

Rachel's eyes snapped up and a hardened look settled on her face. "No!" She snapped, pushing the plate away from herself. She knew what her Mother was doing and she refused to go along with it. Couldn't her Mother see how fat she was? Didn't everyone? She saw it and she was determined to lose weight. Just a few pounds.

Shelby pushed the plate back in front of her. "This, my darling, is not up for discussion. Eat your dinner." She said. She would force feed her if she had to.

"I don't want to." Rachel whined. Why didn't her Mother understand she didn't deserve to eat?

"Rachel..." Shelby started but was interrupted.

Anger rose up almost out of nowhere. She jumped out of her chair so fast it tipped over. " You eat it! I can't! I'm fat! Can't you see how disgusting and fat I am?! I don't deserve to eat!" Rachel shouted. She felt her heart pounding in her chest and she had the urge to just punch someone in the face. She was starting to scare herself. She couldn't believe her own lack of control. Her sudden outburst made her feel ashamed. She turned away from Shelby and raced up the stairs, slamming the door behind her. She slid down the wall to the floor and started crying.

Shelby sat with sobs shaking her entire body. She didn't know what to do. She placed her face in her hands and let herself fall apart. She blamed herself. After a few minutes of breaking down she pulled herself together. She would not give up. She got up to go check on Rachel when the door rang. She glanced at the staircase, before going to see who would be at the door this time of night. She looked through the peephole to see Quinn shuffling nervously. She looked into the mirror by the door and checked herself over, wiping away traces of tears. She unlocked the door and slightly opened it. "Good evening Quinn, It's kind of late..." She said.

"I know and I'm sorry, but Coach Sylvester kept us in a super long practice." Quinn explained.

"I see...Well, Rachel isn't up for company at this time. Try again tomorrow maybe. Drive safely." Shelby said, getting ready to shut the door.

Quinn reached out and stopped the door with her hand and pulled an envelope out of her pocket with her free hand. "Could you give this to her for me?" She asked. She knew it was cowardly, giving the letter to the object of her love's Mother instead of giving her the letter herself, but she didn't think she could go through with giving Rachel the letter herself. The content of the letter was part apology and all feeling. She just wanted Rachel to know what she felt for her. Even if she didn't feel the same way.

Shelby accepted the letter with a small smile. "I'll give it to her. Good night, Quinn." She said, before closing the door.

Quinn sighed, turned away and headed for her car. She looked up and could have sworn she saw Rachel standing in the window or maybe that was what she wanted to see. She got into her car and drove away.

* * *

While Shelby had been downstairs talking with Quinn, Rachel took the opportunity to give into to her urges. She locked herself in her bathroom, pulled off her hoodie, retrieved her blade from its hiding place and carved "FAT" into her arm. She smiled as she watched the blood bubble up to the surface before it spilled over and splattered into the sink. She was riding her high and reveling in it so deeply she didn't hear her Mother enter her bedroom. Nor did she hear her unlock the door and push it open.

Shelby froze, dropped the letter in her hand. She looked at the sink painted red for a moment before rushing over and grabbing Rachel's arm. "Rachel! Oh my God! Why did you do this?" She cried. Rachel was trying to pull her arm free.

"Because I am fat! I'm ugly! It's all my fault! I deserved it! It's my fault!" Rachel cried, throwing herself to the floor. She pulled her knees to her chest and started rocking herself. She just wanted to disappear. She went silent.

Shelby got down on the floor with her and pulled her into her lap. "That's not true baby. You're beautiful. You are not fat. You absolutely did not deserve what happened. No one ever deserves this." She stood up, picked her daughter up and placed her on the counter, "Don't move." She ran into her bathroom and grabbed the first aid kit and ran back into Rachel's bathroom. She rinsed the drying blood, slathered on some ointment, closed them with butterfly strips and wrapped the injury in gauze. She placed a kiss over the bandage then rinsed out the sink before picking Rachel up and carrying her to her room and laying her on her bed. She changed Rachel into some pajamas and then changed herself before climbing into bed with her, pulling her against her. "Sleep baby." She said, kissing her forehead.

"I'm sorry Mommy." Rachel whispered before drifting off.

"I know baby. I'm not mad at you. I'm not giving up on you. I love you Rachel." Shelby said. Though her heart melted hearing Rachel call her "Mommy" she could only focus on the fact that maybe things were only going to get harder before they started to get better. She was preparing herself. She wasn't going to lose her daughter to her self-hatred. 'I will win.' She told herself before falling into a deep sleep.


	9. Mother VS Fathers

While Rachel and Shelby slept, Leroy and Hiram had just gotten off the red-eye, returning from yet another trip. Finding themselves in an empty house.

"What if she ran away?" Hiram asked worriedly.

"She didn't run away Hiram, get a hold of yourself." Leroy snapped. He began looking around Rachel's room and noticed things were missing, like the Burberry set of luggage they got her last Christmas.

"Where could she have gone?" Hiram asked.

"That boy she's been going with, Finn?" Leroy suggested.

"No, no the last time we were home she told me they had been broken up for a while." Hiram said.

"I don't know. We'll call her in the morning, alright? It's late, let's just go to bed." Leroy said. He flicks the lights in Rachel's room off and pulls Hiram towards their own bedroom.

* * *

It was around nine in the morning when Rachel's phone started going off. She reached over to the bedside table and searched around until she felt her phone under her fingertips. She cracked open an eye and accepted the call and brought it to her ear, "Hello?" She said, voice still heavy with sleep. She cleared her throat and scratched her head.

"RACHEL BARBRA BERRY, WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?!" Leroy yelled into his end of the receiver.

Rachel shot up. 'Shit!' She thought. They hadn't called to tell her when they would be coming home, and she hadn't thought to leave a note. "Dad, I-I'm at Shelby's." She said. She knew there was no point in lying to her fathers. She wasn't a good liar anyway.

"Shelby's?! What are you doing with  _that_ woman?!" Leroy snapped. His blood was boiling. He was going to go over there and drag Rachel out, by her hair if he had to.

"She's my Mom. And a lot has changed since you've been gone Dad..." Rachel said. That was the absolute truth and nothing but. She listened quietly while her parents argued, before hearing shuffling and her other Father's voice on the phone.

"Sweetie pack your things, thank Shelby for letting you stay with her, we're coming to get you." Hiram said.

"I..." Rachel choked. Just what in the hell was she going to say to that. She loved her Fathers, but they were hardly ever home. Let's face it. They were men and she wasn't comfortable around men right now. Honestly she didn't feel comfortable around anyone right now. Anyone who wasn't her Mother or Quinn. And weren't they just going to leave again anyways? Even if it was her Dads who had raised her, her whole life. She swallowed thickly, "Ok..." She said with a sigh. Before her Father could say anything else, she hung up and threw the covers off. She had to come up with a plan so she would be able to stay with her Mother. She turned over to see her Mother still asleep. "Mom?" She said, shaking the woman's shoulder.

Shelby startled awake. "What's the matter baby?" She asked. She propped herself up against the headboard and wrapped her arms around Rachel.

"My Dads just called. They're home and they're coming to get me. I don't want to go with them. I want to stay with you." Rachel said. She snuggled closer to her Mother and let the tears fall.

Shelby knew this day would come, she just didn't think it would be so soon. With everything that had happened, she knew she wasn't going to just let Rachel be taken away from her. "I want you to stay with me too." She admitted. The Berry men had been smart when they had drawn up that contract. They knew that a bond forming between the two of them would be inevitable. All she had seen was dollar signs, but after nine months what she really wanted was to be with Rachel. This time she would fight for her. Contract be damned. She had already broken it anyway. "When they get here, I want to talk to them and I want you to stay up here." She said.

Rachel nodded. "I love my Dads, but they're hardly home and I don't know what I'd do if I had to go back to that house with them. I'm scared. Mom, please don't let them take me!" She begged.

"I won't baby, not without a fight." Shelby said, kissing Rachel's head.

"Will you tell them what happened to me?" Rachel asked in a whisper. She knew the second her Fathers heard that, they would be dragging her to the nearest hospital and bombarding her with questions.

"I know you don't want them to know, but this might be the only way." Shelby said. She started thinking about what she would say to the Berry's when the doorbell chimed.

Rachel froze. She knew who was waiting downstairs separated by the protective steel of the door. She swallowed the lump in her throat and looked into her Mother's eyes.

"It's ok. Stay here." Shelby said, kissing her cheek. She got up, ran her fingers through her hair and pulled on a sweatshirt before leaving the room. She took a deep breath before opening the door. "Hiram, Leroy come in." She said stepping out of the way to let the men in.

"Where's our daughter? Is she ready? Rachel!" Leroy demanded.

"She's upstairs and no she isn't." Shelby said crossing her arms. "Please have a seat." She said gesturing to the large L-shaped couch in the living room. Once everyone was settled she started speaking again. "I want to be in her life, she wants me in her life. I'm open to partial custody. I love her. I have loved her since the day I found out I was pregnant and heard her heart beating. She's just as much mine as she is yours. I'm the one who carried her and gave birth to her!" She said as her opening argument. She didn't see a point and jumping in guns blazing.

"Have you forgotten about the contract YOU signed, stating that you were to have no contact with her until she was eighteen?" Leroy sneered.

"The contract also said it would be void if she found me. I didn't contact her, I just set out a trail for her to find me.  _SHE_ came to  _ME._ The contract is broken. There's no amount of money that will keep me away from her ever again. Fuck the contract! She's my daughter too!" Shelby said.

"You went through all the trouble of forcing Rachel to find you, only to walk away and break her heart all over again, why is this time any different?" Hiram asked. His question was out of curiosity not of malice.

"I freaked out when she came to me. She was so perfect I didn't want to mess her up. She told me how you bring her water when she's upset and I realized I wouldn't know to do that and I didn't think there was room in her life for me too." Shelby said.

"What's so different this time around?" Hiram asked.

"It's been a long ten days Hiram. She needs me and I need her." Shelby said. She felt like Hiram was the more level-headed half of the two. Maybe she could convince him to see that this is the right thing to do.

"Enough!" Leroy shouted, standing. "We are taking her!" He said.

"Hold on a minute, Rachel told me that the two of you are hardly home and she's left alone for months at a time. Is she supposed to raise herself?!" Shelby said matching Leroy's tone.

"She's sixteen years old, she can take care of herself!" Leroy snapped.

"She was raped!" Shelby bit back. She hadn't planned on telling them that way. She just got caught up in the heat of the moment. She pushed forward and explained to them what she knew the day Rachel showed up soaking wet on her doorstep ten days ago.

"That's disgusting! You're disgusting!" Leroy shouted. "You would make that up, just so we'd leave her with you?! Our daughter would never allow herself to get raped."

Shelby's mouth fell open at Leroy's outburst. What the hell was wrong with him? How could he say something like that? She didn't know what to say. She felt like she was in one of those true life stories on Lifetime and this is the scene where the parents start blaming the child for what happened. "Excuse me?" She asked in an edgy tone. Her mouth had gone completely dry. He could say all he wanted about her, but she was not going to allow him to say anything about Rachel.

Leroy opened his mouth, most likely to say something else insulting and ridiculous. Thankfully Hiram cut him off before he could.

"She's telling the truth Leroy." Hiram said quietly. He had watched Shelby's face and body language. There were no tells that she was lying.

"What! Rachel Barbra get down here. NOW!" Leroy said. All his anger was deflating and he lowered himself back onto the couch. Someone hurt his baby and where the hell had he been?

Rachel had sat at the top of the stairs. She heard everything. Every downward step she took felt heavy as if she had concrete bricks on her feet. When she reached the last step she glanced at her Fathers and her Mother before curling up on the same cushion as Shelby. "It's true Dad. You're right, it is disgusting! I am disgusting! I'm so fucking sorry I allowed myself to get raped!" She cried, burying her face into her Mother's neck.

Shelby rubbed her back and whispered soothing words low enough that only she could hear.

Leroy reached out and touched Rachel's knee only to have her flinch and scoot further into the couch. "Who?" He asked quietly.

"No, no I don't want to talk about it! I don't want to go with you. I can't! I just want to stay with my Mom. Please!" Rachel begged.

"Leroy, look at her. Look at them. If we force her to leave we might lose her forever. You and I both know when we leave again she will find her way back here against our wishes. She shouldn't be left alone dealing with this anyways. Like Shelby said earlier, fuck the contract. No piece of paper is going to keep them apart. As much as we love Rachel, we aren't equipped for this. She needs something we can't give her. She needs her Mother." Hiram said.

Leroy listened to his husband and processed what he had just said. He knew he was right. He nodded and sighed. "Ok Rach, we won't force you to go with us." He said. "You can stay with your Mother."

Rachel's head popped up and she cracked a smile. "Really?"

"Yes, Rachela. We love you. Your Mother made quite the argument. For the past few years we haven't been there for you as much as we should have. I am sorry." Hiram said.

"I love you too Daddy and you too Dad." Rachel said.

Hiram stood and tugged Leroy up with him. "We'll be going now. If you need anything for her, we put money into an account in her name every month." Hiram said to Shelby.

"I don't think I'll need it but thank you." Shelby said. She stood and shook both of the men's hands before following them to the door. Happy tears were streaming down her face.

"If she changes her mind and decides to press charges, you'll let us know?" Leroy asked.

"Yes, of course. She still isn't talking about it but I still have hope that she will." Shelby said solemnly. She watched the men leave before closing the door and turning to face her daughter. "What do you say we get out of the house today?" She asked.


	10. Being in Love With Lucy

Rachel woke up the next morning and discovered a note from her Mom.

_Rachel,_

_Hey baby. I hope I get back before you wake, but if not, don't worry. I went grocery shopping. I'll be back soon._

_Mom_

She began to feel a little uneasy. She hadn't been home alone since her rape. A large part of her had the urge to run all over the house and check every door and window. She was starting to have a panic attack. She began searching her room frantically, every noise the house made added to her increasing panic. She was nearly ready to scream when she spotted a note on the floor with her name on it, written in Quinn's handwriting. She grasps her chest and feels her heart pound beneath her hand. 'Calm down Rachel. Calm down. No one is here.' She tells herself. She gets off her bed, standing on shaky feet and picks up the note. She turns it over in her hand, afraid to open it but her curiosity gets the better of her and she tears it open and begins reading.

_Dear Rachel,_

_I hope that doesn't sound lame. I just want to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what happened to you. And I'm really sorry for how big of a bitch I was to you in the past. I just have to tell you, that I'd do anything to protect you even if it meant getting expelled for kicking Karofsky's ass. I would do this, because I love you Rachel Berry. I am in love with you. It happened the day you found out I wasn't really pregnant and had the courage to say something about it. I know it seems like an odd time to fall in love with someone, but I just couldn't help myself. Normally if I had been caught doing something manipulating and awful no one said anything. You challenged me and backed me into a corner until I was forced to tell the truth. It was hot! I know it's going to take a while for you to trust me, but I will do anything to earn your trust. Please call me._

_Lucy Quinn Fabray._

Rachel was shell-shocked. What was she supposed to say to that? She didn't have long to think it over though, because she heard her Mom downstairs. She didn't even bother putting the note down before she headed down to help her.

Shelby heard Rachel's bare feet slapping on the linoleum before she saw her and she smiled to herself. Her smile grew when she saw her baby girl with bed head, but her smile faded when she noticed the look on her face. She dropped the groceries onto the countertop and walked over to Rachel. "Baby, what's the matter?" She asked.

Rachel looked up at her Mother perplexed. Then she gazed back down at the note. "When did Quinn leave this here?" She asked.

Shelby glanced down and remembered. "The night before yesterday. I was downstairs with her when you..." She couldn't force herself to finish that sentence and she didn't want to make her daughter feel guilty.

"She says she's in love with me." Rachel said. She couldn't deny that she had feelings for the head cheerleader. She couldn't lie and say she hadn't thought about kissing her. She didn't know what to make of it now that she knew Quinn felt the same way. What did it matter now? She was damaged goods. Never to be whole again. Even if she had a shot with the blonde she didn't have anything to offer her but heartache.

Shelby could see the wheels turning in her daughter's head. She could feel Rachel tearing herself down. She did the only thing she could think of and pulled Rachel into her arms. "She would be lucky to have you. You're a jewel Ray." She said.

Over the last two weeks Rachel had gotten use to her Mother's ability to see through her. Yet, she still dropped her jaw when her Mother wiped away all her self - loathing with a simple sentence. She shook her head. She couldn't let herself believe what her Mother had said. "No, I'm damaged, I'm fat, I'm disgusting. She deserves better than the leftovers of who was once Rachel Berry. So do you and so do my Dad's!"

Shelby sighed and shook her head. "Baby, I know you feel that way and you have every right to feel that way but please don't try to tell me what I deserve. I deserve you Rachel. I love you. I'm not leaving." She said firmly. Even though there had been a large considerable amount of growth in their relationship, she knew Rachel still had her doubts about her intentions. She was determined to assure her as often as it took. "Go call her. It's been days since you talked to her, I'm sure she'd be happy to hear from you." She said gently pushing Rachel towards the stairs.

"But, the last time I talked to her, I yelled at her to stay away. Isn't that confusing?" Rachel mumbled. It's not that she didn't want to call Quinn, because she did. She just wasn't sure if the other girls feelings had cooled off since she had written that letter. She sighed and picked up her phone. She flipped it over in her hands before mustering up the courage to pull up the blonde's contact information and calling her. She held her breath while the phone rang. Three rings later and Quinn finally answered.

"Rachel? Is everything alright?" Quinn asked worriedly.

"I read your letter and I had something I wanted to say to you." Rachel said after a long stretch of silence.

"O-ok. Do you want to meet somewhere? I could come over." Quinn suggested. Her heart felt like concrete. Rachel's neutral tone of voice gave her no indication of whether or not she was about to be rejected or not.

"How soon can you come over?" Rachel asked.

"I can come now!" Quinn answered a little too quickly. She mentally face palmed herself for sounding so desperate.

"Ok, I'll see you soon. Drive safe Lucy." Rachel said before hanging up.

Normally Quinn hated to be called Lucy. She hadn't used that name since her fat days. But the way Rachel said it made her want melt into a puddle of warm chocolate. Like the chocolate in Rachel's eyes. She could get very used to Rachel calling her "Lucy". She raced over to her walk in closet and laid out an outfit composed of a dark blue spaghetti strap, a black shrug, dark wash skinny jeans and her cocoa brown UGGS. Once she was dressed she let her hair down around her shoulders in it's natural curl. 'Perfect.' She thought. She got in her car and headed over to Rachel's Mother's house.

* * *

**15 minutes later...**

Rachel was dressed in a sweatshirt, yoga pants and her grey UGGS. Her hair was swept up in a messy bun, piled on top of her head and her face was make up free. She was nervously playing with the cuffs of her sweatshirt when the doorbell rang. She knew who it was. "I'll get it." She said loud enough for her Mother to hear from the office. She cleared her throat before opening the door. When she saw Quinn she was stunned. How the blonde could turn a simple outfit into something so...mouthwatering, she would never get used to it. "Hey, would you like to come in?" She asked nervously. 'Good job Rachel, she probably thinks you're a freak!' She thought.

"Hey, you look...skinny." Quinn said with a frown. She stepped into the house and looked around curiously. She turned back towards Rachel and placed her hands on her cheeks, "But you're still beautiful." She said.

"Thank you. You look pretty. As always." Rachel said. She reached up and placed her hands over Quinn's which were still holding her face. She gently removed the hands and held them as she lead the blonde to the couch. Once they were seated she reluctantly let go. "Thanks for coming on such short notice. I hope I didn't interrupt any plans you might have had." She said.

"Stop, Rach. You didn't interrupt anything. I was planning on coming to see you anyways." Quinn said.

"Oh, I don't know where to go from here. So, I'll just start by saying I have feelings for you too. But with everything that's happened there's nothing I can offer you. I'm not worthy of you." Rachel's voice cracked towards the end. She hung her head and began absent mindedly tracing patterns on the couch.

Quinn placed her finger under Rachel's chin and tilted it up until their eyes met. "Don't sit there and tell me you're not worthy of me. As long as our feelings are the same then we have plenty to offer each other." Without thinking Quinn closed the distance between them and kissed Rachel passionately. She pulled away and paled when she saw the look on the brunette's face. "Please don't slap me." She squeaked.

Rachel burst into tears and covered her face with her hands. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" She muffled.

Quinn didn't hesitate to pull Rachel into her lap. She stroked her hair. "You have nothing to be sorry for Rach. Please, think about it. Please think about being an us. Rachel, will you be my girlfriend?" She said.

Rachel sat up and stared at Quinn in shock. "You can't be serious." She said.

Quinn didn't say anything. She placed a hand at the back of Rachel's neck and brought their lips together again. She smiled when Rachel kissed her back. When they finally needed air they broke apart. "Does that feel like a joke to you?" She whispered.

"N-no it certainly does not...I would very much like to be your girlfriend Lucy." Rachel said with a flirtatious smile.

"I like it when you call me Lucy." Quinn said before kissing Rachel once more. She couldn't help it. Rachel's lips were so soft and supple. She was becoming addicted in that short amount of time.

The new couple spent a few hours on the couch talking about everything but the big fat elephant in the room. The elephant being the fact Rachel hadn't had a bite to eat since Quinn had been there and she seemed to spacing out a lot.

Shelby finally emerged from her office. "Hello, Quinn. Good to see you again. Are you staying for dinner?" She said.

"Hey Ms. Corcoran. If it's ok with Rachel I would love to. We have a bit of news for you." Quinn said.

"What news would that be?" Shelby asked with a raised eyebrow. She knew no one was pregnant.

"I asked Rachel to be my girlfriend and she said yes." Quinn said happily.

"Quinn, a word please." Shelby asked gesturing for the blonde to follow her into her office. Once they were seated she spoke once more. "I know you understand what has happened to Rachel. Let me be clear, you are not to push her into _anything_. Understood? She's still healing and I don't need anything you might do or say to set her back."

Quinn nodded. "I understand Ms. Corcoran. I want you to know that I love your daughter. I have no intent to hurt her." She said.

"Good. See that you don't." Shelby said. "Does pizza sound good to you?"

"Pizza is perfect." Quinn said following Shelby from the office. She'd never been threatened by a parent before, but it wasn't unwelcome. She was happy to embrace every new experience that came along with embracing herself.


	11. 1,2,3 Drink

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This is heavy on the feels.  
> TW: SH & underage drinking.

Shelby was propped up on her elbow looking down on Rachel, watching her sleep. She gently caressed her face and smiled widely as Rachel's eyes fluttered open. "Good morning baby." She said.

"Morning." Rachel mumbled. She scooted closer to her mother and buried her face in her chest. She had a restless night and was having a hard time getting up. "What time is it?" She asked through a yawn.

"Eleven - thirty." Shelby said. She absent mindedly began running her fingers through Rachel's hair. She was content to lay in bed with her baby girl all day, but she had things to do. "I have to go out for a while and run some errands." She said, kissing the top of her head.

Rachel grunted in response and threw an arm around her Mother's waist.

"Will you be ok here alone for a couple of hours?" Shelby asked. Rachel stiffened in Shelby's arms. "Maybe you could have Quinn come over?" She suggested. She didn't like the thought of Rachel being home alone.

"Lucy has Cheerios practice." Rachel said, muffled because her face was still firmly pressed against Shelby's chest. She pulled away from her Mother, sat up and pulled her knees to her chest. She hated being so clingy, but she felt so safe in her Mother's presence. "You can go. I'll be fine. I'll text her and tell her to come over." She said, harsher than she meant to. She wanted to cry. She couldn't understand why she was pulling her mother close one minute and pushing her away the next.

Shelby was thrown for a loop at Rachel's sudden mood swing. She went from cuddly to distant in less than five minutes. "Rachel, what's the matter?" She asked.

Rachel climbed out of the bed and headed for her bedroom. "Nothing, I'm gonna take a shower and give you some time to yourself." She said. She closed her bedroom door behind her and sighed. She heard her Mother calling after her, but she didn't stop. She hated pushing her Mother away, but she couldn't handle it if her Mother left again. She cut herself in the shower and cried.

Shelby sighed and scratched her head. "What the hell did I do now?" She asked out loud. She shook her head and climbed out of bed and headed for her own shower.

* * *

Rachel watched Shelby out of the kitchen window as she pulled out of the driveway and disappeared down the street. Once she was sure her Mother wouldn't come back and catch her, she opened the cabinets, searching until she found the wine rack. "Perfect." Rachel said to herself. She pulled a bottle down and sat it on the counter. She searched the drawers until she found the bottle opener and pulled out a wine glass. In her inexperience it took her a few minutes to open the bottle. After it was open she poured herself a glass, filling it to the rim and took a sip. Before she knew it the glass was empty and she was pouring herself another glass. She kept drinking until the bottle was empty and drunk half of another bottle, making her belligerently drunk.

* * *

Quinn pulled up in front of the house and got out of the car. She had been waiting all day to see Rachel. She knocked on the door and waited a few minutes before knocking again. When Rachel didn't answer she became worried. So she tried the handle and found it unlocked. So she let herself in. "Rachel? Babe?" She called.

_"I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier_

_I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist, like it doesn't exist_

_I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry_

_I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier_

_And I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes_

_Keep my glass full until morning light, cause I'm just holding on for tonight_

_Help me, I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes."_

Rachel was singing loud and off-key. She felt so carefree and light. It was the first time in weeks she wasn't remembering what David had done to her every minute. She whirled around and saw Quinn staring at her. "Lucy!" She squealed. She stumbled towards Quinn, and jumped into her arms, causing her to topple backwards and they flopped onto the couch, with Rachel on top. She giggled and looked into Quinn's eyes.

After Quinn recovered from having the wind knocked out of her, she noticed the smell of alcohol on Rachel. "Rach,what have you been drinking?" She asked.

Rachel burst out laughing. "I got into my Mommy's wine cabinet! Shhh, don't tell! K?!" She slurred. She belched and smiled dopily.

Quinn didn't know what to do, she had never seen Rachel like this before. She noticed Rachel looked thinner than the last time she saw her. "Why did you decide to get drunk?" She asked, concerned.

Rachel started crying. She couldn't seem to control her emotions. "You know what? You used to make my life a living hell! Having me slushied everyday, calling me names, you were a total fucking bitch! But, I still fell in love with you! My Dad's don't care about me, they leave me home alone for months at a time and give me whatever I want so they don't have to deal with me! They don't know what the hell they are doing. When I'm sad or upset they give me a glass of water. What comfort can I get from a fucking glass of water?! Can you believe that shit?! As if that is supposed to make it better! I finally find my Mother, thanks to her manipulation and do you know what she does?! She tells me I'm not good enough for her, sings a duet with me, and tells me that we 'should be grateful for each other from afar', gives me a glass with stars on it and tells me to drink water from it when I'm sad and walks out of my life! It takes me being raped for her to be my Mother. It took this for her to want me!" She rants. She pulls up her sleeves and shows Quinn her healing cuts. "Do you still think I'm beautiful!?" She shouted. She jumped off Quinn's lap and spun around to see her Mother standing there with tears pouring down her face. She feels horrible seeing her Mom cry and knowing she's the cause, but at the same time she's too drunk to care. Instantly the room spins, she feels sick and dashes up the stairs to the bathroom, emptying her stomach of the alcohol.

Quinn is frozen on the couch, tears streaming down her face. She clears her throat and looks at Shelby, "I'm so sorry." She cries.

Shelby was coming through the door with Rachel's favorite meal when she heard Rachel shouting. She hurried into the living room and froze seeing Rachel straddling Quinn's lap and screaming in her face. She heard everything and her heart was broken. Not only at hearing how she had hurt her daughter, but at how everything else had hurt her as well. She watches as Rachel reveals the cuts on her arms and jumps off Quinn's lap. Their gazes lock before Rachel turns pale and runs up the stairs. She hears Quinn apologize and turns to face her. "It's OK, Quinn. Not your fault. Are you ok?" She says.

Quinn nods and starts wiping the tears from her face. After hearing the impact she had, had on her girlfriends life she was ashamed. She hoped she had a chance to make it up to her. "Yes, I'm gonna go. Please tell her to call me when she's feeling better. She...um... got into your wine cabinet. She was really drunk when I got here." She mumbles.

"Thank you for telling me. I'm going to go check on her." Shelby says. She heads up the stairs and walks into Rachel's room and adjoining bathroom, finding Rachel still heaving into the toilet. She pulls her hair back into a sloppy ponytail. She grabs a washcloth from the towel rack and wets it before pressing it to Rachel's forehead. She remains silent while she cares for her daughter. Collecting her thoughts together.

Rachel finishes heaving into the toilet and realizes she's not alone. She pushes her Mother away. "Don't!" She snaps. She pulls away from her and stomps into her bedroom, over to her dresser where the fated glass her Mother had given her months ago was sitting, she picks it up and throws it against the wall. "Did you ever think that when you told me to drink from that glass when I was sad that I would be sad because of you?!" She screams. "I looked at that glass everyday and cried. I could never listen to 'Poker Face' without bursting into tears! I can't believe you just fucking abandoned me!" She shouts.

"Rachel..." Shelby sighs. She swallows a sob and wraps her arms around Rachel, holding her tight while her tiny daughter fights her. "I'm sorry, baby I'm so sorry." She says softly over and over. "You're good enough, you're more than good enough." She strokes her daughter's head. She holds on tight as Rachel continues to fight for a few minutes before breaking down and wailing.

"LET GO OF ME!" Rachel shouts.

"NO!" Shelby yells back, holding Rachel tighter. "I swear to God, baby I'm never letting you go again!" She says. She feels like kicking herself around the block. What made her think Rachel didn't need her? She had made Rachel feel like she didn't deserve her, when in reality Shelby didn't deserve Rachel. "Baby, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry." She kept repeating while Rachel pushed against her.

Rachel pushes against her Mother, but she won't let go. She grows exhausted after a few minutes and grasps her Mother's shirt tightly and wails. "I'm broken. I'm broken Mommy." She cried.

Shelby lifts Rachel up and carries her into her bedroom and places her on her bed. She kicks off her shoes and climbs into the bed, pulling Rachel into her lap. "You may feel broken baby, but you're my daughter and I love you. I wanna help you. It kills me to see you hurting like this. I would take it all for you if I could. I'm so sorry I hurt you." She said. "Why were you distant this morning?" She asked.

"I felt bad. I've been clingy since I moved in and I don't want you to get sick of me." Rachel said.

"I'm not going to get sick of you." Shelby says. She kisses Rachel's head and rocks her a bit.

"I got into your wine cabinet." Rachel said. She was sobering more and more and her head was starting to throb.

"I know, Quinn told me before she left." Shelby said.

Rachel sat up with a look of horror on her face, "Oh my God! I said the most awful things to her!" She said.

Shelby shook her head. "She was hurt, but she wants you to call her. You can do it later." She said.

Rachel fell back into her Mother's chest. "What's wrong with me?" She asked.

"You're hurting." Shelby said calmly. She laid them down and pulled the blankets over them.


	12. Running From Her Problems

Shelby woke up to the sound of running water, she looked over at her clock and saw '6:05 A.M' blaring at her. She noticed Rachel's side of the bed was cold indicating she had been gone for a while. She stretched before kicking the covers off and walking towards her closed bathroom door. To say she was immediately worried was an understatement. The last time she found Rachel in the shower she was half dead! She pushed the door open and called out for her daughter, "Rachel?". She was so afraid of what she would find behind the curtain.

"Don't come in here, Mom!" Rachel said. She had been awake since four thanks to another night terror. So, she hopped in the shower and scrubbed every inch of herself raw. Thanks to the two hot water heaters she had been able to stay in there for the past two hours. She was on her hands and knees, scrubbing the tub. She felt so dirty.

Shelby breathed in relief and pulled the curtain back and choked back a gasp at the sight of her daughter's red skin and her protruding spine and rib cage. "Rachel, baby what are you doing?" She asked softly. She kneeled beside the tub and turned the water off.

"I had to get him off me and then I made your shower dirty, so I had to clean it because I couldn't let you get in here after I had defiled it!" Rachel was rambling. She hadn't even realized her Mother had turned the water off. She started shaking.

Shelby grabbed a towel off the rack and coaxed Rachel to stand up so she could wrap it around her. Rachel was turning into skin and bones. "Baby, I know you feel dirty but you're not. You didn't defile my shower. I promise." It had been a month and a half. She knew it would be hard, but she couldn't stand to see her daughter punish herself. "I think we need some help. I think we need to make a report. You're not going to last much longer like this." She said. Tears began falling down her face at their own will.

"WHAT! NO! I DON'T NEED HELP! I'M FINE!" Rachel yelled. "WE DON'T NEED TO DO ANYTHING! BECAUSE WE WEREN'T RAPED!" She held the towel tighter against her and stormed off towards her bedroom. She slammed the door behind herself and started crying. She didn't know who she was anymore. She was lost.

Shelby was sobbing as she made her way across the hall and walked into Rachel's bedroom. "Rachel, please just listen. The other day when I went to run errands, I went and talked to a police officer. They have police that specialize in sex crimes. The woman I spoke to was very nice and she said you can still report it. Baby, he needs to be put behind bars for what he did to you. I know I wasn't there and it didn't happen to me, but in a way it did. It hurts me seeing you hurt like this. If he's locked up, you have a chance of gaining your life back."

"You talked to the cops?!" Rachel asked. She was enraged.

"Yes. All you would have to do is go in and talk to the woman I talked to and give her the clothes you wore that day." Shelby said.

"He said he was going to hurt me if I told!" Rachel exclaimed. She didn't believe it was as easy as her Mother was making it sound.

"Rachel, please. I'll be with you the whole time. Wouldn't you feel better knowing he can't get to you?" Shelby said. She was hopeful that Rachel was considering it since she hadn't said no.

"But if I do this, I have to tell what he did over and over. I don't think I can handle him glaring at me in a courtroom." Rachel said quietly. She sat on the edge of her bed all her ire drained out of her.

Shelby sat beside her and kissed her head. "Baby, please think about it. It's a step in the right direction. Once he's put away we can concentrate on getting you better."

"What makes you think I need to get better? I'm not sick!" Rachel said venomously. She pushed away from Shelby. Then she got up and ran out of the room and down the stairs.

Shelby followed after her, "Rachel! Rachel, where are you going!?"

"I can't talk to you right now!" Rachel said. She yanked open the door and ran away from the house. Ignoring her Mother's cries to come back.

Rachel kept running until she found herself in front of her school. She was panting and gasping for breath. There was only one person she wanted to see. She pulled her phone from her pocket and sent Quinn a text asking her to meet her in the parking lot.

Quinn was sitting in home room doodling on a scrap of paper when she felt her phone vibrate in her pocket. She was surprised, but thrilled to see it was from Rachel. She left instantly. She didn't care about missing class if her girlfriend needed her. Five minutes later she was in the parking lot with Rachel crying in her arms. "Rach, what's wrong? Are you ok?" She asked.

Rachel shook her head. "I ran away from my Mom. She was just trying to help me and I got so angry with her." Her heart was pounding in her chest and she was starting to feel dizzy.

"Let's go somewhere warm and talk, you're shivering." Quinn said leading Rachel towards her car. She opened the passenger side for her and buckled her in before getting into the driver's side. When they got to the Lima Bean she got out and opened the passenger door for her girlfriend and opened the door to the café. "Do you want some hot chocolate?" She asked.

"No, I don't want anything." Rachel said. She sat down in one of the seats and pulled her hood over her head.

Quinn sighed and nodded, "Ok. I'm going to go order something and use the bathroom." She walked up to the barista and ordered a white mocha latte with caramel sauce and a blueberry scone. Once her order was placed she went into the bathroom and locked herself in a stall before pulling out her phone and calling Shelby.

After a few rings, Shelby answered the number hoping it was Rachel. "Rachel? Rachel? Baby, where are you?" She asked frantically.

"Ms. Corcoran, it's Quinn. Rachel is with me at the Lima Bean, I'm worried about her. She doesn't look so well. She's pale and shaking." Quinn said.

Shelby wasted no time picking up her purse and keys and hopping into her car. "Thank you Quinn. I'm on my way. Can you do me a favor and not tell her you called me? If she knows I'm coming she'll run again." She said.

"No problem. I won't tell her." Quinn said.

"Thank you." Shelby said before hanging up.

Quinn couldn't help but feel a little bad for calling her girlfriend's Mother behind her back, but she didn't know what else to do. She sighed and walked back to her and Rachel's table where her order was waiting. "Sorry about that. I had to wait for them to put in more toilet paper." She lied.

Rachel had been staring off into space. "Oh...that's ok Lucy." She said. She laid her head on Quinn's shoulder. She was exhausted. "Thank you for skipping school for me." She said kissing Quinn's cheek.

"Anytime, babe. Rachel, I just want to say that I'm sorry for making your life a living hell." Quinn said.

"It's ok. I forgive you." Rachel said.

"I'm going to make it up to you Rach." Quinn sipped at her latte and picked at her scone while she anxiously waited for Shelby to show up. Rachel had curled into her and closed her eyes. She looked so thin and tired. It broke her heart to see her girlfriend like that.

Shelby showed up twenty minutes after Quinn called and all but ran into the restaurant. She felt like she could finally breath when she saw Rachel safe and sound dozing on Quinn's shoulder. She mouthed 'Thank you for calling.' "Rachel?" She called softly, pressing her hand to Rachel's forehead.

Rachel sat up and glared at Quinn. "You called her?!" She stood up to run, but she was so dizzy she fell back into the chair.

"Rach, I had to. You don't look so good and I knew your Mom had to be worried about you." Quinn said.

"Rachel, let's go to the ER." Shelby said walking around the table to help her stand up.

"No. No...I...I just need to..." Before Rachel could finish her sentence she passed out and went limp in Shelby's arms.

"Rachel!" Shelby screamed. She pressed her index and middle finger to her daughter's pulse point and sighed in relief when she felt it slow and steady underneath her fingertips. "Quinn call 911." Shelby lowered Rachel and herself to the floor in the café.

The EMT's arrived ten minutes later and another ten minutes after they were bursting into the ER. "We have a sixteen year old female found unconscious on the scene. She is responsive to her name, stimuli and breathing on her own."

Shelby was right beside them, holding Rachel's hand. "Her name is Rachel." She said slightly irritated.

A Dr. rushed over. "Hi ma'am, I'm Dr. Blackmon and you are? Can you tell me what happened to Rachel?"

"Shelby Corcoran. I'm her Mother. She passed out." Shelby said. She was trying to look over Dr. Blackmon's shoulder to see Rachel.

"Do you know why?" Dr. Blackmon asked.

"She hasn't been eating and sleeping." Shelby said.

"We'll run some tests. If you'll step into the waiting room, we can concentrate on your daughter." Dr. Blackmon said.

Quinn joined Shelby in the ER waiting room and both of them were fidgeting and playing with their phones when Dr. Blackmon walked up with another Dr. following him.

"Ms. Corcoran? This is Dr. Weiss. She's the head psychologist here." He said introducing the woman.

"You can call me Eliza. I'd like to talk to you about Rachel's results." Dr. Weiss said.

"Ok. Quinn, why don't you go down to the cafeteria and get us some lunch?" Shelby said, pressing a twenty into Quinn's hand.

"Ok." Quinn knew it was Shelby's way of having her excuse herself.

"Rachel's blood test show low potassium, low electrolytes, low iron, and ketones in her urine. Her body is lacking a lot of vital nutrients. All of these indicate an eating disorder." Dr. Weiss explains.

"She was raped a month and a half ago. She hasn't been eating or sleeping." Shelby said. She felt like a failure of a Mother. She watched as Rachel got thinner and thinner and she didn't do anything. She prayed to God that it wasn't too late. She had only gotten her baby back.

"She weighs ninety pounds right now. Because of the imbalance with her electrolytes I wanna say she has been purging some as well." Dr. Weiss said. "I'd like your permission to admit her into the eating disorder unit for a week. She needs to begin treatment immediately. We need to work on getting her physically better so we can begin working on the emotions she has been starving and purging behind."

"Ok, I'll sign whatever you want." Shelby said. She wasn't going to sit by and watch Rachel slowly die in front of her anymore. Since Rachel had given up, she was going to fight for her.


	13. Officially Yours

Shelby had just gotten home from the hospital and was pacing the living room floor while the dial tone rang in her ear. She was about to hang up when Hiram finally answered the phone. "Hiram, we need to talk." She said.

"What's going on Shelby?" Hiram asked, motioning for Leroy to mute the television.

"I just admitted Rachel to the hospital. She's not doing so well and she needs help." Shelby said with a sigh.

Hiram frowned. He didn't really know what to say. He looked over at his husband, who was also at a loss for words. "We're sorry to hear that."

Shelby scoffed and pulled her phone away from her ear. She was pissed off by the detached response the man was giving, hearing the current condition of their child. "Do you even care?! Did you hear what I just said?! Our daughter is in the hospital!" She shouted.

Hiram sighed, "Shelby, look, I don't know what to say. Rachel is in good hands with you right? Do you need Leroy and I to come home?"

"Of course she is! I wasn't calling because I want to get rid of her or anything. I'm letting you know how she is doing. That's what parents do. Communicate." Shelby snapped out. The lack of disregard was really starting to piss her off.

Leroy held his hand out for the phone. "Listen, Shelby, Hiram and I have discussed this at length and we have decided that it would be best if Rachel stayed with you permanently. We already filled out the necessary paperwork and mailed it to you. All you have to do is sign it and take it to your lawyer."

Shelby lowered herself to the couch with an open mouth. She felt like she had been punched in the stomach. Of course she had always wanted her daughter back, but not like this. "You'd just give her to me? Just like that?" She asked in disbelief.

"Well, isn't that what you always wanted?" Leroy asked.

"Y-yes, I have always wanted Rachel. Don't you and Hiram even want to see her?" Shelby said. She felt like this was all a dream and she was going to wake up and it was all some twisted part of her imagination.

"We think it's best if we just phase out of her life. It will be better this way. We haven't really been around for her. We should have never had that contract in the first place. She always asked about you." Hiram said finally breaking his silence.

"Thank you?" Shelby said in the form of a question. She never thought this would be the outcome when she called to inform them of what was going on.

"You're welcome Shelby. Enjoy your life with your daughter." Hiram said before disconnecting the call.

* * *

Rachel's eyes blinked open. She was blinded by a bright light and she snapped her eyes shut again. "Mom?" She called out. The last thing she remembered was being at the Lima Bean, being mad at her girlfriend and her Mother for trying to get her to go to the hospital. "Lucy?" She looked around the room and sat up. 'I can't believe they put me in here!' She thought.

"Glad to see you're awake." Dr. Weiss said as she entered the room.

"Who are you? Where's my Mother?" Rachel asked. She moved to the edge of her bed, trying to put as much distance between herself and this strange woman.

"I'm Dr. Eliza Weiss, I'm the head of psychology for the Lima Bean General eating disorder unit." Dr. Weiss said holding out her hand.

Rachel reluctantly shook the Dr's hand. "Where's my Mom?" She asked again. She didn't even blink at the fact the woman had told her she was in an eating disorder unit. She was still in denial that she had an eating disorder. Just like she was in denial of everything else.

"She will be back. I just wanted to introduce myself. If you need anything hit the button and your nurse, Paige, will help you with anything you need. You slept through lunch so you'll be meeting her at dinner. I'll see you in the morning Rachel." Dr. Weiss said. With that she left the room.

* * *

"Hey, Q!" Santana called jogging through the hall to catch up, tugging Brittany along.

Quinn paused and waited for Santana and Brittany to catch up with her. "Yeah?" She asked. She was a little irritated. She was just given detention for ditching school. She didn't really give a damn, Rachel was more important and she'd do it again. She was irritated because Figgins wouldn't even hear her out when she tried to explain. That asshole only ever heard what he wanted to hear.

"Detention huh?" Santana asked. She had seen Quinn rush out of homeroom like her pants had caught fire and she was planning on going to her house, if she never came back to find out why she left.

"Yeah, just Figgins being himself." Quinn said with an eye roll.

"What took you all day anyway?" Santana asked while trying to keep Brittany's hands in PG places.

Quinn sighed. She knew she would have to tell them eventually. "It was Rachel." She said as if that would explain everything. She knew Santana would demand to know more than that and they would have to spend at least another fifteen minutes explaining it to Brittany.

"Was? Oh no! Did Rachel die?" Brittany asked with a hand cupped over her mouth.

"No, Britt Britt, Quinn didn't mean it like that." Santana said soothing her girlfriend. She looked at Quinn pointedly as if to say 'You better tell us more than that'.

"I guess I should start from the beginning. Ok, so, here goes...I'm in love with Rachel Berry. We've been together for a few weeks now." Quinn blurted out.

"I knew it! I fuckin knew it!" Santana said with a large grin. "Bout time you admitted you were a lesbian." She hissed when she received a pinch from Brittany. "What the hell Britt!"

"San, it's not nice to rub things in people's faces and you were hiding your feelings for me." Brittany said.

Santana huffed. "Ok, ok. Sorry, Q." She muttered. "But, there's something you haven't told us. Spill it." She demanded.

"Something happened to Rachel a little over a month ago. And I left because she needed me." Quinn said. She knew Rachel would kill her if she told exactly what happened to her, but she knew if Santana got a whiff of it she would keep hounding her until she told.

"Oh, are you upset because she had sex with Karofsky? I'm sure it didn't mean anything. San slept with a lot of guys before we got together." Brittany said.

"That's not it, is it?" Santana asked. She knew something was off with Rachel.

"You two had better keep your mouths shut about what I tell you next." Quinn ordered.

"You have my word." Santana said.

"I won't even tell Lord Tubbington or write it in my diary, I know he still reads it." Brittany said.

"Rachel was hurt and Karofsky is the one who hurt her." Quinn said.

"I'm gonna go Lima Heights Adjacent on his ass!" Santana fumed. She was already planning on kicking his ass.

"No! She doesn't want anyone to know!" Quinn shouts. She was glad the hall was empty or the whole school would know.

"When someone hurts me, San just gives me a kiss and it makes me feel better." Brittany said.

"That's not the kind of hurt Q means Britt Britt. Rachel needs more than sweet lady kisses to help her through this." Santana said.

"Oh." Brittany said. She wished Rachel was here so she could hug her.

"Anyway, she hasn't been handling it well and when I left school to be with her, she ended up having to go to the hospital. I'm gonna go see her after seventh." Quinn said. She hadn't wanted to leave her, but Shelby was persistent and promised she would be able to visit whenever  _after_ school hours.

"We'll come with you." Santana said.

"I don't think..." Quinn started but was quickly interrupted by Santana.

"Look, I know I've been a major bitch to Rachel over the years but she grows on you. And when she gets better and comes back to school she's going to need friends." Santana said.

"Fine, but I swear to God if you upset her in anyway I will destroy you!" Quinn said.

* * *

Shelby knocked on the door frame and smiled when Rachel looked over at her. "Hi baby." She said rushing over to the bed and kissing Rachel's forehead.

"Hi, Mom." Rachel said. Even though she was mad that she was put in here in the first place she was happy her Mother had come back for her.

"How are you feeling?" Shelby asked, sitting in the chair by the bed. She brushed Rachel's hair out of her face. She hated what she was about to do next. She didn't know what Rachel would do or say.

"I'm ok, I guess. My nurse is nice. How long am I going to stay here?" Rachel asked. Cutting straight to the point.

"It's only a week baby." Shelby said. She was going to be by her daughter's side through everything. And now forever. "I have something I need to talk to you about."

"Let me guess, when I get out of here, You're sending me back to my Dads." Rachel said. She hoped she was wrong but she couldn't help the feeling of rejection by her Mother, her Fathers, everyone. It was only a matter of time before Shelby got sick of her too.

"No, no no." Shelby cupped Rachel's face and shook her head. "I spoke to your Fathers earlier today and they decided to give me full custody." She said cautiously.

"You mean I'm yours?!" Rachel asked excitedly. It seemed to good to be true with all the recent events. She felt a slight sting knowing her Fathers gave her up so easily but she shrugged it off.

"Yes baby, you're mine. You're staying." Shelby said kissing Rachel's cheek.


	14. Walking Away

"LUUUUCYYYY!" Rachel squealed jumping into Quinn's arms, wrapping her legs around her waist and peppering her face with kisses. When she was brought into the visitation room she had no idea who would be waiting there, to see her. She didn't think anyone cared enough.

"Hi, sweetheart." Quinn said. She giggled as Rachel kissed her all over her face. She marveled at how light Rachel was. Her heart rate picked up as Rachel pressed their lips together and locked her fingers around her neck.

Santana and Brittany glanced at each other and heat started to creep up both of their necks and faces. They almost felt like they were intruding on a private moment.

After a few more minutes of hearing Rachel and Quinn make out, Santana had enough. "Alright! Break it up! You two are about to make me puke!"

Rachel removed herself from Quinn's lips so fast she almost fell out of her arms. "Santana?!" Rachel looked at Quinn and blushed, then glared. "What are they doing here?" She slid down Quinn's body and sank into the couch.

Quinn sat beside Rachel and held her hand. "They wanted to come see you." She knew she'd likely be in the doghouse when Rachel found out that Brittany and Santana knew about what happened to her. So, she figured she might as well tell on herself now. "They are here because they know what happened..."

Rachel snatched her hand away from Quinn and sat back as if she had slapped her. "You told them? How could you?" She already felt hot tears of anger stinging in her eyes.

"Don't be mad at Quinn." Brittany said. She tugged on Santana's hand as she sat on the other side of Rachel. "We want to be your friends." She smiled.

Rachel blinked. She had no idea how she could be defused so quickly. "You...Are...You're...Ok." She can't believe she just fumbled for words. She was the girl with the gift of gab and she was speechless.

"Yeah, it wasn't Q's fault. I kept nagging her about it until I got it out of her." Santana said.

"Am I forgiven?" Quinn asked, pouting and pressing her hands together.

"You guys can't say anything! Please! I-I haven't decided what I'm going to do yet and my Mom is already pressing on me to report it and..." Rachel's heart started pounding and she felt like she couldn't breathe. Just talking about it was causing her to have an anxiety attack.

"Rach?" Quinn asked concerned. She watched as her girlfriend began to hyperventilate. "Britt, San...go get help. Hurry!" She said.

Santana and Brittany took off, heading for the nurses desk.

Quinn did the only thing she could think of. She picked Rachel up and put her in her lap and held her. "I'm here Rachel. He's not here. He's never going to hurt you again." She said quietly.

It wasn't even a minute later before Dr. Weiss, a nurse and Shelby were rushing into the room.

Rachel was frozen on Quinn's lap with a blank stare on her face. She was shaking. She was sucked into a flashback.

"Oh my God! Rachel?" Shelby cried, the second she sees her daughter.

Dr. Weiss holds up her hand to keep Shelby from moving any further. "Ms. Corcoran, please let me tend to Rachel."

Shelby nods and watches every move the Dr. makes. She fidgets as the seconds tick by agonizingly slow.

"Rachel? It's Dr. Weiss. Can you tell me where you are?" Dr. Weiss kneels down in front of Rachel. She is careful not to touch her in fear of frightening her.

"T-the bathroom, he's going to rape me again!" Rachel cries.

Shelby starts crying. She feels so helpless. Her child is in obvious pain and all she can do is stand there and watch. She trusts Dr. Weiss though.

"Rachel, I'm going to grab your hand. Now, take a couple of deep breaths. Can you tell me where you are now?" Dr. Weiss asks. She watches as recognition flashes in Rachel's eyes. She got her back.

"The visitation room." Rachel hangs her head in embarrassment. "I'm sorry." She mumbles.

Shelby moves forward, "Oh, baby don't be sorry." She sits next to Quinn and holds out her hand. She just wants to comfort her daughter.

"Can everyone please just leave me alone now?" Rachel asks.

Quinn opens her mouth to protest but after earning a look from Shelby she snaps her mouth shut. She kisses Rachel on the cheek and gently lifts her from her lap. "I'll come see you tomorrow after school. We can study together."

Rachel nods. She's so embarrassed she can't look her girlfriend in the eye right now.

"Rachel, I understand you feel the need to be alone right now, but I suggest you let your Mother stay." Dr. Weiss says gently. "Maybe we could have a talk about what happened just now?"

"No! I don't want to talk!" Rachel shouts. She stands from the couch and starts pacing the room. She reaches inside the sleeve of her sweatshirt and presses her fingernails into her skin. She is sure she's drawing blood but she doesn't care. The pain is grounding her.

"Rach, please sit down. We don't have to talk. Come here, please." Shelby begged.

Rachel crossed the room and sat on her Mom's lap. She buried her face in the crook of Shelby's neck and wrapped her hand in her shirt. Sobs started shaking her whole body.

Shelby stroked her head and hummed "I dreamed a dream", rocking Rachel from side to side. She no longer doubted she could be who Rachel needed her to be. Her only concern was if Rachel would ever be who she used to be.

At dinner time...

Shelby sat with Rachel while she picked at her food. She watched her do this for five minutes straight before sighing, "Honey you are going to have to eat something."

"I don't have to eat anything!" Rachel snapped. She noticed the pained look on her Mother's face and went back to playing in her food.

"Rachel, I know it's difficult. But, honey, if you don't eat soon you're going to die." Shelby said softly through trembling lips.

"Maybe I deserve a slow painful death!" Rachel said.

Shelby shook her head. "No, baby you don't."

Rachel screamed and swiped her arm across the table in front of her, knocking her plate to the floor. "Dammit! I just want it all to end!" She cries. She wraps her arms around herself, pulls her knees up to her chest and begins to cry. Folded in on herself, like a turtle in a shell.

Shelby got up from her chair and slid onto the bed next to Rachel and pulled her into her arms. She didn't know what to say so she just held her daughter until she stopped crying. "Honey, YOU ARE NOT FAT." She said firmly.

"I just want to shrink and shrink and shrink until there's nothing left." Rachel said.

Shelby pulled Rachel away from her, holding her by her shoulders and locked eyes with her. "I can't let you do that!" She said.

Rachel snatched away from her. "Don't you have to go home? JUST GET OUT!"

"Ray..." Shelby sighed.

"GET THE HELL OUT!" Rachel shouted. She picked up her cup and threw it at the door.

"Fine, but I'll be back in the morning for our first session with Dr. Weiss." Shelby said.

The next morning...

Rachel sat in a comfortable leather chair with her legs crossed, bouncing her leg up and down. She just wanted to get it over with and go back to her room.

"How are you feeling this morning Rachel?" Dr. Weiss asked.

Rachel didn't say anything.

"Look, I'm not going to force you to talk. But, if you don't talk I can't help you." Dr. Weiss said. A light blinked on her desk, letting her know someone was waiting in the front for her. "Rachel, I think your Mom is here. Is it alright to let her in?" She asked.

"Whatever." Rachel grumbled.

Dr. Weiss picked up her phone and told her assistant to send Shelby in.

Seconds later, Shelby walked through the door. She walked right over to Rachel and kissed her forehead. "Hi, baby girl." She said. She stroked her head before sitting in the chair next to Rachel's. "How are we doing?" She asked.

"You haven't missed anything Shelby. Rachel hasn't said anything at all." Dr. Weiss said.

Shelby frowned. "Rachel, please. We're just trying to help you." She begged.

Rachel just looked down and began to pick at a loose thread in her sweats.

"How are you Shelby?" Dr. Weiss asked.

"I'm ok. Honestly, I feel so guilty." Shelby said.

"Well, this is a safe place to share feelings." Dr. Weiss said. "Tell Rachel how you feel."

"Rachel, I feel like some of this is my fault. I feel like some of it has to do with you and me. About what happened when I left you." Shelby said.

"Rachel, do you have anything to say?" Dr. Weiss asked.

Rachel got out of her chair, walked over to the door and walked out of the room.


	15. It's A Facade

Shelby just sank into the chair. She didn't know what to do. She felt Dr. Weiss press a kleenex into her hand and that's when she realized she was crying.

"Please, stay here Shelby. I'll go get her." Dr. Weiss said. She gave a comforting squeeze of Shelby's shoulder before following after Rachel.

Rachel wasn't even halfway down the hall before she felt Dr. Weiss's hand on her upper arm. "What?" She asks tiredly. She had no fight left in her. She didn't feel like talking about her and Shelby's relationship or anything else. She didn't want to be in this treatment center. She didn't need to be here. Nothing was wrong with her. She was fine. She just wanted everything to go back to the way it was. Before the rape, before Shelby.

"Rachel, your Mother is in that room crying. She loves you so much and she just wants to help you. She just wants you to talk to her." Dr. Weiss said.

"I...I just..." Rachel sighs. She's at a loss for words.

"Will you come back with me Rachel?" Dr. Weiss asks.

"Ok..." Rachel says. She follows behind Dr. Weiss slowly, looking behind herself to see the hall empty. She knows she could run. She could run all the way back to her room. And she wants to. God, does she want to. But she doesn't. When she walks back into the room and sees the look on her Mother's face, she hates herself even more. She sits in her chair and starts wringing her hands.

"Thank you for coming back with me Rachel, I know it wasn't easy for you to do." Dr. Weiss said. She gets comfortable in her chair and jots down some notes on her notepad. "Shelby, would you like to start?" Dr. Weiss asks.

Shelby swallows the lump in her throat and turns to face Rachel. "Rachel, could you look at me?" She asks. She needs her baby to look at her. She needs her to see the truth in her eyes.

Rachel looks at Shelby and waits to hear the words her Mother has to say.

"Rachel, I love you so much. I have loved you since day one, the day I found out I was pregnant with you. My heart was torn to shreds the day I had to give you to your Dads. You'll never know how much I cried for you. They wouldn't even let me hold you. I snuck down to the nursery to see you and I thought you were the prettiest baby in the nursery..." Shelby pauses to clear her throat and wipes a few stray tears from her eyes. "...When I saw you at sectionals, I knew I couldn't stay away. You were the reason why I moved to Ohio in the first place. So, I manipulated a way for us to meet. And when you finally introduced yourself I acted horribly. It didn't go the way I wanted it to and I ran away. Baby, I'm so sorry. I know I said I wanted my baby back, and that you weren't what I wanted. And I can't imagine how that made you feel but I promise I will never do it again. It doesn't matter how old you are, you will always be my baby. And I'm so sorry I didn't realize it sooner. That rainy day when you showed up on my doorstep, I was shocked to see you there. But, I was glad because I wanted to see you. I wanted to come to you and beg you for forgiveness. I'm sorry it took this for me to get my head out of my ass and step up to be the Mother you need me to be, but I'm not sorry that we're together now."

Dr. Weiss cleared her throat because she found the words Shelby said so touching. "Rachel, do you have anything to say?" She asked.

Rachel was angry. She had more anger than she knew what to do with. She was angry with her Dads, with Quinn and the bitch squad, with David Karofsky and she was very angry with Shelby. She didn't even know where to began. And the main thing pissing her off was that they had this conversation before. And she thought she had forgiven her Mother but it just seemed to bubble up again and she couldn't let it go. "We've had this conversation before and I thought I forgave you, but I guess I didn't." She said.

"Is that all you have to say?" Dr. Weiss asks.

"I just want to know how long it will be until she leaves me like my Dads did. How long will it be until she realizes I'm a fat, ugly, worthless loser? How long will it be until I'm not good enough for her anymore and she leaves again?" Rachel said.

"Rachel, I don't think you're fat, ugly and worthless. And I absolutely don't think you're a loser. I'm NOT going anywhere." Shelby said. She tenderly cups Rachel's face and holds her eyes.

Rachel pulled away from Shelby and wrapped her arms around herself. "Whatever." She just wanted this session to be over with. They wanted her to talk, fine. They wanted her to eat and not throw up afterwards, fine. She would do whatever it took for her to get the hell out of this place. And she realized she would have to be much better at covering her tracks when she got out. She could fake it for two weeks right? She needed to practice her acting skills anyway.

"Let's call it a day and continue this tomorrow." Dr. Weiss said.

Rachel stood up about ready to run from the room but before she could Dr. Weiss called to her and handed her a pink and black plaid print book. She raised her eyebrow in silent question. 'What the hell is this?'

"It's a journal. I want you to start writing. You don't have to share anything with me. But, if you're not going to talk in here. Get it out, in there." Dr. Weiss said.

"Thank you." Rachel said. She held the book to her chest and turned to face Shelby. "Goodnight." She said shuffling her feet.

Shelby pulled Rachel into her arms and held her. "I love you Rachel. Please give me a chance." She said. She kissed her head and stroked her cheek.

"I'm trying." Rachel said softly before bolting from the room.

Shelby and Dr. Weiss watched her leave before turning to face each other.

"Do you think this is the start of her getting better?" Shelby asked.

"Honestly? I think she still has a lot to work through and things will get worse before they get better. Rachel doesn't think she has a problem Shelby. And until she realizes that, we are only scratching the surface." Dr. Weiss said.

"But she talked. Last time she just got up and left." Shelby said.

"She talked because we pushed her to. She's keeping a lot inside. She's still hurting and I can't really help her until she really starts talking. She's been in therapy before. She knows to tell me enough to keep me satisfied." Dr. Weiss said.

"So, what will happen when she gets out of here?" Shelby asks.

"I'll see her twice a week and if need be, more. And the minute I think she is a danger to herself, I'll put her back in here." Dr. Weiss said.

Shelby nodded. It was so much to take in. How much worse could things get? Look where they were. They can't get worse than this can they?


	16. Bending The Rules

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGERS in this chapter.

Rachel finished her week in the treament center and she was finally able to go home. She couldn't believe it. All the compliance and fake cooperation she gave during the week had earned her this ultimate prize. Her freedom! She had just tossed her journal on top of her clothes in her bag and zipped it up before Dr. Weiss was knocking on her door.

"How are you feeling about going home, Rachel?" Dr. Weiss asked.

"A little nervous, I guess. Things are still...weird between my Mom and I." Rachel said.

"Just give her a chance ok?" Dr. Weiss said.

"Yeah, I'm trying." Rachel said.

"Have you written in your journal yet?" Dr. Weiss asked.

"No, I haven't had a chance. You have kept me so busy in here. But, I'm sure I'll be using it soon enough." Rachel said.

"Well, I want you to know that whatever you write in there, you don't have to share it with me." Dr. Weiss said.

"Thank you." Rachel said.

"I'll see you on Monday. Try to enjoy your weekend." Dr. Weiss said.

After Dr. Weiss left, Rachel's nurse came in and lead her into the visitation room, where Shelby was waiting.

The second Shelby saw Rachel she jumped up from the couch and threw her arms around Rachel. "Hi, baby." She said.

"Hi, Mom." Rachel said.

"Do you have everything?" Shelby asked, when she pulled away.

"Yeah." Rachel said picking up her small bag.

Rachel and Shelby walked out to the car and Shelby took the bag and placed it on the backseat. Then she opened the passenger door for Rachel.

"I'm so glad you're finally home baby." Shelby said as she drove through the streets to get to their house.

"Me too." Rachel said. She stared out the window and watched the changing scenery.

"Dr. Weiss said it was important for you to stay on schedule. What would you like for lunch?" Shelby asked.

"I'm not hungry." Rachel said.

"Rachel!" Shelby said squeezing the steering wheel so hard you could hear the leather creak.

"What? I know I have to eat, I'm just not hungry right now." Rachel said.

Shelby huffed. She didn't want to say anything that would push Rachel over the edge so she didn't say anything. She pulled into the driveway, grabbed Rachel's bag and handed her the keys to go unlock the door.

"I'll be in my room, if you need me." Rachel said before dashing upstairs and closing her door.

Shelby ran up right behind her and opened the door. "For the time being, could you leave the door open?" Shelby asked.

"Are you serious?" Rachel asked. She hasn't even been home for five minutes and she already wants to turn to her habits.

"Yes baby, I'm serious." Shelby said.

"Fine. Could you leave me alone?" Rachel said.

"Rachel..." Shelby started but then she shook her head. "Baby, I understand that it's going to be an adjustment, but we need to make this work. I need this to work. Because I love you and I don't want to lose you."

"I understand Mom. I just need some space, ok?" Rachel said.

"I'll be downstairs if you need me." Shelby said before reluctantly turning and walking out of the room.

The second Shelby left the room, Rachel was tearing through her suitcase until she found what she was looking for, her journal. She grabbed a pen off her desk and crawled onto her bed. Once she was comfortable, she started writing.

_I don't know what everyone expects of me. I don't know what I expect of myself. I just got out of the psych ward! Rachel Barbra Berry, McKinley High's once upon a time Diva is now a nut case. My Dads gave my Mom custody of me. They just gave me away and didn't even look back. They didn't even care that I was in the hospital. You know, I've known for awhile now that my Dads didn't care about me, but for them to make it really clear, it just stings. Now living with my Mom it's ideal. It's everything I've ever wanted. But, I'm not good enough to be her daughter. I don't even know what kind of daughter I'd make now. I mean my Dads still left after they found out I was raped. Let's face it. I'm a fat, ugly, worthless loser. And how did I manage to get a smoking hot girlfriend in Lucy Quinn Fabray?! What does she see in me? There's nothing I can give her. Because David Karofsky took everything!_

Before Rachel had realized it, she had been writing in her journal for an hour and Shelby was knocking on the door frame. "Baby, it's time for you to eat something." Shelby said.

Rachel snapped the cover of her journal shut and looked up at her Mother. "Ok." She said. She sighed and followed her Mother out of the room and down the stairs. She felt like she was a death row inmate being lead to her execution. The thought of eating and not being able to purge or exercise made her feel like she was dying.

"Sit." Shelby said pointing at the table. She placed a salad on the table, some rolls and a pot of spaghetti made with alfredo sauce.

Internally Rachel was freaking out over all the calories. And she knew that her Mother would be watching her like a hawk. "This looks great Mom." She said.

"I wanted to try some different vegetarian options for you besides lasagna." Shelby said sitting down across from Rachel. She held out her hand and took Rachel's plate and portioned out some food for her. Then she served herself.

"Do I have to eat the bread?" Rachel asked.

"Yes Rachel. You skipped lunch but I'm not going to allow you to skip dinner." Shelby said.

"Ok, ok I get it." Rachel said making sure she stressed the irritation in her voice. She ate what she could without puking right then and there at the dinner table. "I'm full." She said.

"You can go watch TV in the living room, but you're not going upstairs until it's time for bed." Shelby said.

"Why not?!" Rachel said jumping out of her seat.

"Because I don't want you to have an opportunity to throw up." Shelby said.

Rachel almost, almost lost her temper and threw a diva fit. But she caught herself when a genius idea popped into her head. "I understand Mom. Why don't I go take out the trash?" She said.

"That would be great baby, thanks for offering." Shelby said with a smile.

Rachel kissed her Mother on the cheek before walking over to the trashcan, tying the garbage bag shut and took it out the kitchen door that lead to the garden and the trashcans. She tossed the bag in the gray trashcan. Then she looked around and made sure she was completely out of sight before bending over and sticking her fingers down her throat. After she expelled everything she had eaten, she turned on the garden hose and drank water until she felt full. Then she purged that too. And instantly she felt that old high running through her body. She felt peace, bliss, calm and she felt pure.

"Rachel?" Shelby called.

"Yeah Mom?" She answered coming out from around the corner so her Mother could see her.

"What took you so long?" Shelby asked.

"I was looking at the stars." Rachel said, lying through her teeth.

Shelby looked up at the sky, "It is really beautiful tonight." She said. She wrapped her arms around her daughter and pulled her into the house. "Do you want to watch some TV before bed?" She asked. She locked up the doors and windows and flipped off the lights.

"No, I think I'm going to go up and shower." Rachel said.

"Ok, I'll come say goodnight when I come up." Shelby said.

Rachel nodded and headed up the stairs. She took a shower and then she pulled out her journal and began writing again.

_I just ate and threw up my first meal at home. Mom wouldn't let me near the bathroom so I got the brilliant idea to take out the trash. And I puked in the bushes. I tried "flushing" it was wonderful! You learn a lot when you hangout with other girls with eating disorders. I hate myself even more for lying to my Mom, but it wasn't like I was going to really tell her what I was doing outside. See? This is why I deserved to get raped. I'm a horrible person! I'm out of school for two weeks and Mom took the time off to stay home with me, so it's going to be hard to get away with it. I need to lose weight! I know I messed up and gained a lot while I was at the hospital. And now I'll work twice as hard to take it off. Plus more! I'll have to get on a strict diet and exercise schedule and I'll have to re work it once I go back to school. It's time to take control._

Rachel shut the cover to her journal and placed it in her bedside table drawer. Then she snuggled under the covers and fell fast asleep.

Shelby walked in to find Rachel's light still on. She walked over to Rachel's bed and kissed Rachel on the head. "Sweet dreams baby girl, I love you so much." She said softly before flicking off the light.


End file.
